sherryillk: (soul)

OTL

 

For a few hours it was looking so good... And then I started to install programs and on a restart after some installations, I am now getting stuck on the Welcome screen... It just spins and spins...and spins...

 

I am getting so tired of all of this...

 

And all I want to do today is watch Grimm! Ugh, I should have taken advantage of it all being good while I still could...

 

I suspect tomorrow will be yet another round of this crap... Fuck it, factory settings might be easier. I'm starting to become completely unglued by this so I think I'm just going to sleep and deal with it tomorrow...

sherryillk: (soul)


Updating my computer... Apparently trying to update 75 updates is impossible... So I'm trying to do it by fiscal quarters to make it more manageable...  It's slow going but once I'm done, it's onto 8.1, aka the bane of my existence the last few months.

 

This time I'm going to do it right... I mean, as much as it made my life so much more hard, it was a good update... They fixed a bunch of things that I didn't quite like in Win 8 so I do want it as it is supposed to work.

 

And hopefully when that works out (fingers crossed), I can finally work on getting all my programs back... I have so many... and once they're done, I can finally get rid of that huge Windows.old folder... (after I back it up, good thing I have a new external hard drive...)

 

I've been working on this for so long... I just want it to end...but I'll take slow and steady if that means no problems...

 

Why does it seem like I go through this every year? *sigh*

sherryillk: (soul)

I really need to learn from my mistakes... Ever since I updated to Windows 8.1, I've had nothing but problems. Updating it was a trial unto itself and I'm absolutely certain my laptop got messed up somewhere while I was trying to update it

 

And ever since then, even though it says I've updated it successfully, I've had little annoying problems like my graphics cutting out every so often... I could deal with the little bugs but then it started messing with my Updates... Every time I would try to Update, I would fall into this horrible loop of my laptop trying to update bit not quite getting there... I would install them, it would restart and that's when the problems would start. It gets stuck at the whole "Preparing your PC. Do not turn off." but it would never finish. Last time it was a huge ordeal for me to just get out of it and back into Windows but did I learn my lesson?

 

Of course not, I'm an idiot.

 

And now everything I do, I can't seem to start Windows again... System Restore fails. There are no start up problems despite all evidence to the contrary.

 

Thankfully, the one lesson I did take from my last horrible foray into trying to update is the fact that I should backup my data so at least I have that.

 

Now I've resorted to Refreshing my PC, which I've taken to mean everything gets reset to the beginning but you still get to keep your files. Hey, if it works, I'll take it... I'll gladly reinstall my programs (although some of them will be a bitch) if it means I can get back functionality of my laptop and I can keep my files...

 

My fingers are crossed. I've spent an entire night on this so I'm exhausted with very little sleep so hopefully when I'm done, it's one less thing I have to worry about during the day... It's already gonna be stressful enough without this this also looming over my head...

sherryillk: (Default)
As I was watching the season premiere of Switched at Birth today, I realized something. It's not very meaningful or very important but I realized I missed watching a TV show that is set in LA. I mean something that is set in LA and filmed there as well... It's remarkable that despite many of the TV shows I watch being filmed in LA are actually set somewhere else... I mean, I lived in NYC -- I can tell the difference between the real thing and a studio lot in LA...

And then there are the shows that are filmed in Vancouver or Toronto (although I've noticed the latter usually is a [better] stand in for NYC) that are never set in Vancouver or Toronto. Or maybe I just get to see the ones that aren't because I'm an American watching TV in the US so the networks here only want shows not set in Canadian cities?

Anyway, I digress. I miss having a TV show that uses LA as another character, the way NYC is most definitely a character in practically anything set in NYC. And thinking about that, I really miss NUMB3RS. It was set in LA, filmed in LA. It was a procedural but had humor and good development in personal relationships, family was a big part of the show, it mixed science and math with action and police work... God, it had it all. No wonder I go back and rewatch those episodes so often... But what I would really like a show like it to have taken its place...and so far I haven't found it yet. :\

Maybe I should just go and give NCIS: LA another shot. If I'm missing LA, why not watch the NCIS that is actually set there as opposed to being filmed there (seriously, who is NCIS fooling? I've see those same locations double as NYC and they fail at that and as DC)? I gave it an episode and it just didn't interest me... Typically I do four episodes but I did the backdoor pilot (which was a two parter) and the first episode so that's technically three episodes, right? Maybe I should have given it another episode, or another three to do it justice before I gave up on it. I mean, I wrote off NCIS after its backdoor pilot in JAG (which I loved). And I liked NCIS once it got going... Maybe NCIS: LA is supposed to be the same...

Still, I can't help but feel like some of the characters are a bit...odd... But then again, some of the characters on NCIS are a bit odd too...

Maybe I will give it a second chance. But probably not now that the winter hiatus has ended and shows are coming back. I have more TV to watch than I have time for... Doesn't help that I found out there was a sequel to Triumph in the Skies and now am working my way through the 41 episodes already aired... But it's good. And bad. But it's TVB and while there's a fair amount of Cantonese I don't understand, there's also a lot more English than I'm used to in a TVB drama... That I can handle. It's when they're speaking Mandarin that throws me since I don't understand much outside of "thank you." And they seem to be taking regular trips to Taiwan in the show so yay, Mandarin that I can't understand and subtitles in Chinese so I can't even read that...

Ugh, I'm exhausted... I stayed up super late reading Stargate SG-1 fics (my first fandom and Jack/Daniel, of course -- my second slash pairing), and it just reminded me how I much I used to love SG-1 and how I need to have Continuum in my grasp... I don't know why I never bought that DVD since I have Ark of Truth, why wouldn't I have Continuum? Besides, I always like Continuum better, even if it was super depressing... They fixed it all at the end though, they always do. I'm gonna have to go and get on that...
sherryillk: (Default)
First post of the new year, and only four hours in.

It's 2014, which if I believed in Chinese numerology, it's doomed to be a cursed year since it's year 14 (otherwise known as certain death). Yay. It's a good thing I don't believe in that crap. But even though I don't, I got to admit, getting married on 1-3-14 would be pretty romantic (roughly translated, life together, death together). I imagine there are a fair amount of Chinese people getting married in a few days...

Anyway, enough talk about the new year... That sort of stuff always makes me a bit depressed, the way birthdays do, since they mark the passage of time and the inevitability of me getting old and closer to the end... Yeah, not a road I particularly want to go venturing through tonight. :\

Slight TMI but only just... )
sherryillk: (Default)
Here I am reading a Reddit about Americans visiting Europe and experiencing culture shock and I come across this: Bicycle riding is a mode of transportation and not a variety of controversial subcultures.

Oh my god, I never thought of it that way before but yes!! It is thought of that way here! Even in Oregon! And in Portland! For those who aren't aware, Portland is considered one of the best cities in the US for cycling. With all our bike lanes and a large fraction of our people biking to work (a whopping 6%!), we've won awards for being extremely bike friendly. And yet, sometimes, I see that guy peddling his bread delivery on a bike and I think, "What a weirdo." No, I think "What a hipster weirdo. This is so Portland." And I was born in Portland. Spent the first decade of my life there. Visited it regularly even after we moved away. Pretty much all of my extended family lives in or around there. And I still think of it as an alternative life style.

America really is weird.

The other thing is apparently Americans are really nice. Which isn't something I've thought of before. In fact, I've always thought we weren't a particularly kind people. Perhaps it's because I don't meet that many Europeans. But the ones I must be pretty Americanized because I can't recall them being all that standoffish. I would think nothing about engaging a stranger on bus or the cashier at a supermarket, introducing myself, talking about my life in a somewhat superficial way and asking about theirs, but apparently, this is not done. And I consider myself to be somewhat shy. o.O

Some of the stuff I was actually aware of -- the fact that Americans are prudes for example. Yeah, I can handle someone killing another person in pretty gruesome detail but show me a woman topless and I go x.x

Violence is A.OK! Sex, not so much! Is that really so weird? I wonder because American culture is one of our biggest exports so I feel like the rest of the world knows America pretty well even though the reverse is definitely not true. I have the benefit of being a second generation American (although, lately, I seem to be seeing first generation a lot more often so I'm not really what the correct term is nowadays) but the disadvantage of living in Oregon. We're white here. We're very, very white. The next biggest racial group is probably Hispanic. In my town, it's probably about a quarter to a third Latino but we have a higher population of them due to the fact that we're an agriculture town and the fact that there are a fairly large amount of migrant workers coming and going (and staying). That has caused me to be somewhat racially clueless. And I can definitely see how much more clueless the white people around me are. They have no other culture informing their views. They have to want to understand different cultures in order to think differently about other cultures and for the most part (myself as well), we're too lazy to make that effort. Or maybe they just can't even begin to conceive of it? I don't know. I just know Americans are weird.

Okay, it's getting late and I have to run to the store. Today is the first day since our cold snap and the ice and snow are finally melting! Traveling to work and the store isn't going to kill me anymore! Yay! It's absolutely remarkable how positively balmy it is when it's 30 F as opposed to 7 F. I stood outside today without a coat on for less than a minute today and I didn't feel like I was going to get frostbite. It was amazing!

And oh my god, I had to Google synonyms for the word "jacket" in order to spell "coat." WTF is happening with my English? I want to believe it was just a stupid brain lapse but the whole incident is scaring the hell out of me. o.O
sherryillk: (soul)

I just set up my Mother's new iPhone... And it took me hours to get everything the way I know my Mother needs it. And then it took some more time teaching my Mother and my Father how to use it... I'm still not quite sure they understand it all since I'm not sure I understand it all but I'm a big believer of learning how to use electronic devices by playing around with them (while at the same time perusing the manual, unlike men who don't believe in manuals at all...) so hopefully they'll eventually figure it out for themselves...

 

I mean, the thing is in actual Chinese... Siri actually understands Cantonese (!!!) so I'm hoping it would help them along as well...

 

And at least I didn't have to set up as many apps as I did for my own phone... That actually took me forever trying to get my contacts the way I want them, setting up all my different social apps... All I had to do for my Mom is get her email and WeChat set up so it was relatively easy... I did the best I could since the only reference I had was the iPad... I've only ever used Android devices so it's a little different...

 

Still, it's hard to think of my Mother as having the best phone in the family... o.O All this so they can FaceTime with international friends and family... :\

sherryillk: (Default)
No one showed up at the write-in today. :(

There was a fair amount of interest so I thought at the very least someone would come but in the end, it was just me, alone. I did get some writing done at a time when I generally am not awake so that's always good but it's not settling well. Usually I come out of a write-in all jazzed about writing. I do writing there, I do writing afterward at home, I usually do a bit of writing before I go to sleep the night before just in case the write-in is less about writing and more about talking about our writing... That usually adds to a lot of writing.

I've written just shy of 2000 words. I say just shy because I'm not like six words under 2000. I like going for 2000 every day; it's my unofficial quota by which I judge whether or not I've written enough. If I get 1667, the official daily quota, that is my bare minimum. I am accomplished for that day if I push it to 2000 words. If I get beyond it, it's been a great day for writing. But if I get below 1667, I completely and absolutely FAILED on that day. So far, it has yet to happen.

I feel like I should still be writing. I'm six words short of 2000, why am I not writing those six words now and not this LJ entry? But even though my time at Starbucks spent writing was nice (although, the barista did get one of my drinks wrong and my hair smells like coffee now), I feel out of sorts. I showed up. I did my writing. Now I don't want to do anything but lay in bed, not doing anything at all. I'm not even tired right now... I feel a bit manic but that's because of the caffeine and it's making it hard to concentrate on things, like watching TV or reading fanfics. I've also been playing the new Puzzle Quest game based on the Marvel universe... It frustrates me because I don't have enough hero points to buy more cover slots and I don't know who I should keep or who I should sell... Someone needs to tell how I'm supposed to be playing this game because I get the feeling I'm playing it wrong...

Ugh, I feel restless and out of sorts. And here I thought today would be a good day... I saw a rainbow as I was driving to the write-in that wasn't to be and it really cheered me up. And the heavens decided to open up and started trying to drown us. :\



The calendar doesn't look bad. And I know I could bang out 200 more words easily if I just put pen to the paper and start writing again. I was in the middle of a scene that's part of a series of scenes so I know what I want to be happening for the next couple of thousand words so it's not like I have no idea where my story is heading. Still...it sounds so easy and yet is so hard...

Why isn't it Sunday? At least I would have had some good TV to look forward to if it was tomorrow instead of today. Today, there's just nothing. It feels like a nothing day. *sigh*
sherryillk: (Default)
When I saw how late Thanksgiving was this year, I thought, hey, I might not have to worry about in regards to NaNoWriMo! In past years, I've always spent Thanksgiving weekend not writing a damn thing. In fact, in my three years previous, I think I've written maybe 800 words (if that) total during those 12 days, which is pretty sad... But generally typical. Thanksgiving is usually spent away from home at some relative's house. We do dim sum for lunch and then hot pot for dinner. And then we do Black Friday. That takes up Thursday and Friday and then the weekend is spent playing board games interspersed with video games. It's a fun time, and most of all, it's a very family time for us. And when you're with family that you haven't seen for months or weeks, or however long it's been, it's hard to sneak off for a few hours to write. So no writing is done during that time period.

Now, if the pattern holds, that means the last three days of November will be spent not working on NaNoWriMo. By my calculation, that means I'm gonna have to have about 5000 words banked up so I can get to 50,000 words. Incidentally, I have just over 5000 words over the word count that I should be at, which is a good thing. That means I have about three days worth of writing saved up. But that also means I have to make quota every single day leading up to Thanksgiving. And I already know the Wednesday before Thanksgiving will be rough since people come home that night generally. Not only that, but I'm EXHAUSTED.

I desperately want to quit and take a nap every single day. I want a day off but that's not possible. I find myself squirreling away to Starbucks for a few hours every week just so I can get more than 2000 words. It's been rough... And yesterday, I went to a write-in, wrote a fair amount, and now I'm even more exhausted because of it. But I still have to somehow get 1667 words today and tomorrow, and the next day, etc. OTL

NaNoWriMo is going to kill me.

Today is day 12, I've only written about 150 words thus far. It's been a pretty bad day... I figure I have about two and half hours of writing left. If I don't procrastinate, I should be able to get to quota. But can I not procrastinate? Especially since I'm exhausted and just want to take a nap? I have no idea...

sherryillk: (Default)
It's day two of NaNoWriMo and even though I got some writing done yesterday, it wasn't as much as I had hoped. Most of the problem was the fact that I pissed away more than four hours of it doing everything but writing. Also, I watched a football game and baked some cookies (bacon chocolate chip!!)... Maybe that wasn't extremely productive but I had planned for it beforehand and it would have been okay if it hadn't been for the procrastination... :\

The problem now is that it's day two. Now that the NaNoWriMo website shows you your previous years' stats, I've been obsessing over it. Apparently last year, by the end of day two, I had 7454 words written. WTF. That's a hell of a lot of words for two days. I think I went to a write in for three hours last year on that day so I got in three hours of writing time but still... Now I have a complex. I had only planned on getting to about 5000 words today, but now I feel like I have to do more in order to not lose to last year me. And that's insane, right? And the complete opposite of my plan to not stress about NaNoWriMo. OTL

So I'm gonna try and get some writing done tonight, maybe hit Starbucks for a couple of hours tomorrow in hopes of getting caffeinated and getting some productive writing done. It's only day two and I'm tired... I want to do all the stuff I normally do -- watch TV, read fanfics, play Hay Day... And you'ld think that without Farmville this year, I'd be doing awesome with time but I'm not. *sigh* I just need to stop procrastinating... And since I haven't written anything yet today, I think I'm not doing all that well in that respect...

sherryillk: (Default)
NaNoWriMo Day 1... I wonder if they were always such slow starts? Because I just spent the last four hours not really writing and just sitting here procrastinating... It does not bode well... And what I have written, it's not very good. It's a very slow start. I'm already mildly worried because if I'm already feeling this lost on the first day, the next 29 are not going to be fun...

In any case, I've only done half of what I wanted to do tonight before I turn in so I'm already running a bit behind. :\



My goal, as always, is to make it to green and make the quota for the day, 1667 words. You'ld think it wouldn't be that hard but as I've found out in the past, it's not easy and it does take time to even write that much. Hopefully I can find the time sometime to actually do that. *sigh*
sherryillk: (Default)
Last night I had a horrible thing happen to me... I had Miley Cyrus' song "Wrecking Ball" in my head.

OTL

I tried. I tried very hard not to like it but there's something I can't deny. I really do like parts of the song. Like the beginning. I just like the way her voice sounds in the beginning of it. I'm not so much into the chorus but there's just something about the way the song is setup that isn't terrible... And I kinda hate myself for it. God, I wish liking the song didn't make me feel embarrassed because liking Miley Cyrus -- as she is now -- isn't something I generally like to admit. And yuck, the music video is still atrocious. I can't help it. I'm a typical American prude. Stuff like that just makes me go NO! *shudders*

But right now I'm also loving Lorde's "Royals" (like everybody else). I was so shocked to find out she's only 16. She doesn't sound that young. And the song's subject matter isn't really something you would expect from someone that young either. It's what I expected someone in their 20s to sing... I don't know why, but I've always got the impression that it was sung in the point of view of a whatever the Jersey Shore equivalent in England would be... My brother told me what area it was once upon a time but I've completely spaced on it now...

And outside of that, I'm also loving Woodkid's "Ghost Lights." It's being used in TV commercials for Absolut Vodka but every time it's on, I'm always taken by the song. I've been hearing it for about a month now and every time I hear it, I tell myself I need to hunt down that song but until last night, I've always forgotten. But now I have it and I love it! It's the perfect mix of indie and rock and it's exactly my type of music. I just wish it had some sort of cresendo or climax to the song. The way the instrumentals sound, it sounds like it's leading to one but his vocals never get there and you end up being disappointed. But the sound of the song ends up blowing you away so it makes up for the vocals being a bit lackluster. They're not bad, and they're certainly interesting but sometimes I want more from it and I never end up getting it.

So lately, I've been in a sort of TV/fanfic craze. If I wasn't catching up on TV, I was reading a ton of fanfic. And because of that, things have sorta gone to the wayside. Like LJ. I really want to get back into a routine of checking up with it every so often but it's already the 27th. In a few days, NaNoWriMo will start and I'm gonna be OMG I HAVE NO TIME FOR ANYTHING!!!

But I find with each successive year, my motivation to "win" it lessens. I mean sure, I want to win it. I want to make it to the end. And I probably will get 50,000 words but eh, if I don't. This year I'm gonna try a fanfic again, something I hadn't done since the first year. But I wanna try writing fanfic again and lately, I've been so obsessed with the Bruce Banner/Tony Stark fandom (I've barely gone up for air), that I have all these IDEAS swirling in my head... It's gonna be an AU starting with the premise of Bruce at MIT and spreading through to the end of The Avengers. Unfortunately, it's making me a bit anxious because I haven't seen The Incredible Hulk and I really don't want to since it isn't Mark Ruffalo... Plus, Betty... But I think I need to, at least once to familiarize myself with how this version of the Hulk came to be at the very least. And then there's the fact that being more of a DC girl, I really don't have a good understanding of the Marvel universe...

I'm hoping to make it up as I go along but I really want to stay somewhat true to canon. But part of what is appealing about this story is the idea of Bruce and Tony sorta "growing up" together and I imagine finding your ONE TRUE LOVE at such a young age has got to change both of them. I think it could be fun. And if nothing else, I get to try my hand at gay sex again... I was really bad it at it last time so I imagine I'll be really bad at writing it now too. But hopefully it won't be too hard to get out...
sherryillk: (Default)
I sorta feel like I've been avoiding LJ.

Actually, I know I've been avoiding LJ.

And this is why... )
sherryillk: (Default)
I am currently marathoning Elementary. Well, I'm rewatching it in a marathon sort of form. As I was watching it, I didn't realize just how good Elementary was. Then by mid-season, you start getting really into it. And then there was the Super Bowl episode, which wasn't all that great of an episode but of course, is always good exposure. Frankly, there were better episodes. I particularly liked the snow storm episode. Or the wargame spy episode. Or the episode where he was paid with a bee. Anyway, there were some pretty decent episodes.

I hadn't planned on rewatching Elementary so soon but the last couple of episodes of Elementary just wouldn't leave my mind since I first watched them. The last three episodes were just so brilliant, the acting so well done that it has been on my mind since May. It was a bit mind-blowing. Some people might say they expected that twist, but I didn't. I never suspected so it smacked me so hard...

I think this is one of those shows that starts off a bit slow but really grows on you as time goes on. It's like Castle, another show that I didn't love in the beginning but ended up really looking forward to. It's the quirky procedural type and I've always liked my procedurals... That's why I knew I would like the show but I didn't think I would be so into it as I am now.

And of course, the comparison to Sherlock is inevitable. But it's really a different monster entirely. A bit of a disclaimer, I don't obsess over Sherlock. I don't even slash Sherlock and John. Frankly, Benedict Cumberbatch to me, only became truly interesting when he was cast as Khan in Star Trek, a fandom I actually do obsess over. Sherlock has a host of problems for me. Their faithfulness to canon is actually quite annoying to me. The Hounds of Baskerville was actually my favorite Sherlock Holmes story but modernized in Sherlock, it was awful. And Moriarty... I can't get over Jim Moriarty. What a horrible casting choice. He was so over the top, I had a hard time taking him seriously. And then he became important again at the end of the second series and it's just like, gah, I was really hoping to be over him despite him being Moriarty.

And then there's the fact that I don't like Sherlock's Sherlock. Sure, and argument could be made that Elementary's Sherlock is entirely too likable but I do like him. He's so much more relatable, so much more human. I like knowing the guy can change, that he can feel and care about people, even if he's a bit awkward in it. Plus, with 24 episodes, you really get a sense of who he is as a person. Not to mention his changing relationship with Joan Watson. In a procedural, it's stuff like that that I live for, those little snippets of their personal relationship. I can't wait until it's the end of September and Elementary comes back... They're going to London! We'll finally meet Papa Holmes (hopefully!), and Mycroft (definitely!). Now wouldn't that be fun?

I am actually surprised at how well Elementary did in its first season. It's the most watched new TV show of last season and even managed a 3.0/8 rating/share. I think the only two new shows that beat it in those key demographics were The Following and Revolution... But it's a CBS show, what else can you expect? During the season, I didn't know this so I actually thought it might not be renewed but now that I've been enlightened, I realize that never would have happened. It was probably renewed in a heartbeat.

Let's just hope season 2 is as awesome? Although, I do wonder if Irene is going to pop up again... That's definitely a tricky one, but I guess it could work if they wanted to... And they probably should. But I have to wonder how they would do it if they were going to do it... It'll have to be pretty awesome considering what they've already done...
sherryillk: (Default)
I took off the band-aid again... Thankfully, this time it had stopped bleeding. The only downside is the fact that without all the blood obscuring the wound, it looks horrific. I mean, wow, I really sliced off all the layers of skin off! It's seriously a chunk of flesh missing from my finger... Looking at it made me a bit queasy so I tried avoiding it as much as I could. In the end, I washed the wound out (didn't hurt as much this time since I think my finger was a bit numb, and then I finally got a chance to use the triple antibiotic ointment...

When I bought it back when I accidentally cut into my hand all those months ago, I never thought I would be using it so much... And actually, since I managed to cut off all the skin off as opposed to cut most of the skin off with it still hanging on like last time, I think this is a much worse wound... It looks to be as deep and it's certainly a lot harder to look at... I actually wondered if I should be putting ointment on it since it wasn't going around something that would scar...instead, it's like a crater in my finger... In the end, I just slathered it on and bandaged it back up. I'm hoping for the best.

And as if my day couldn't have gotten worse, it got worse.

My grandmother, whom I look after for most the day, has pretty bad dementia. We think she's in the late stages of it and for the last month or so, caring for has gotten a lot harder, a lot more trying, and she's gotten a lot worse. For the last week or so, she's been doing better. We've taken to pureeing her food now since she doesn't seem to be able to swallow whole foods anymore. And she's stopped eating by herself so we feed her by hand. About a month back, she had a bought with gastroenteritis (stomach flu) which landed her in the hospital for about three days. If you've never dealt with the stomach flu with a person who has severe dementia, hope never to because it's gross, very, very, VERY gross. Before that, her health had been pretty bad and she seemed completely miserable and sick but she seemed to perk up after her hospital stay.

That being said, when we took her to the ER that day when she developed diarrhea, the first doctor that we saw was very ominous -- start making phone calls to family, prepare yourself for the worst, this might it so decide what you want to do, ect., and that freaked us out like crazy. It seemed like she was knocking on death's door. And I realize, she's 91, any sort of illness is pretty serious, but it didn't seem as dire as the first guy made it out to be. The second doctor was much more optimistic and it seemed like he was the one that was ultimately right. But for a few hours there, I thought she was going to die.

But she got better, she was discharged and she seemed to be okay, back to her "normal" self. And then she started losing weight like crazy... She was a skeleton, just skin and bones and I never realized how literal that phrase could be until I saw her. That's when we decided we need to step up her food intake. Before, we've been doing what the doctor's said -- let her eat what she wants when she wants and don't worry too much about her lack of appetite because that's how the disease is. Screw that, they weren't the ones watching her waste away and starve to death. That's when we started pureeing our food. She's been getting much more protein and veggies, and she seemed like she was finally putting on a little weight. And we've been making her milkshakes and smoothies with fresh fruit, Ensure, ice cream and protein powder to supplement her normal meals even more. It seemed to be working.

Today however, I don't know if it was the juice she drank, or the milk, or even the pureed food, but it seemed like she aspirated some of it and she seemed to be having trouble breathing. It sounded very labored. And then she started to shake and she was very unsteady on her feet, so I got concerned. I'm with her for most of the day, I know what's "normal" for her and that didn't seem to be it.

When my grandmother was discharged, we were referred to hospice because of the limited options the hospital could do for her so I ended up calling them up. They advised getting an appointment with her doctor so that's what we're going to do. And they told us we could take her into the ER again if she seemed to be very uncomfortable and if she couldn't breathe... :\ In the end, after a couple of hours, and after we fed her a milkshake, she seemed to be a lot better. She's more alert, her breathing doesn't seem to be as bad so maybe it isn't something too serious. Either way, we're going to try and get her in to see her doctor and we'll see how she is tomorrow. And part of what might have alleviated some of her pain is the fact that she finally pooped today. She's been constipated for about a week now so we think that might have been making her feel uncomfortable but she couldn't communicate it to us at all. She has severe aphasia so when she does speak, it's all gibberish but nowadays, she doesn't speak as much as she used to...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, for my finger and especially for my grandmother... Somehow, I never imagined having to deal with this sort of stuff as an adult when I was a kid and now, I'm faced with the reality that I might have to go through it all over again with my own parents, and then myself when I get old... It's definitely a scary prospect.
sherryillk: (Default)
I really wish I would stop cutting myself... T_T
I was slicing a lemon today and the knife accidentally slipped and it shaved off the side of my finger. A chunk of skin is now missing. It isn't that deep, and it isn't that big (maybe 3-4 mm in diameter?) so I didn't worry about it too much. But then the pain started and then I thought about my triple antibiotic ointment that I bought for the last time I sliced myself...

At first I just bandaged it with a band-aid and hoped that would help. But later, I went to take it off, I found the wound still bleeding. It was still hurting and when I ran my finger under some water to clean it, it hurt like a damn bitch... So much pain. In the end, I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so I never could apply the ointment and I ended up putting another band-aid on it... And judging by the ever increasing blood stain, I can only assume it still hasn't stopped bleeding (it's been about 2.5 hours since I first cut myself).

Last time, I sliced into my hand and it was deepish, but I didn't slice it clean through -- there was still some skin hanging on so I was able to get the bleeding stopped and just applied the ointment around the edges. This time, there isn't any skin to hold onto so I'm not sure what I can do. Hope it stops bleeding eventually, keep it clean and wait until I can put the ointment on it? *shrugs* I really don't know since this is the first time I've ever cut myself like this... :\
sherryillk: (Default)
Last night I dreamed I was dating Tony Stark.

Yeah, I've been reading way too many Tony/Bruce stories.

And the weird thing was that I wasn't Bruce. Usually, I'm not in my dreams and I take one POV of a character or I see everything and it's sorta awesome. But this time, I was me. And I was dating Tony. It was oddly domestic so I guess we were living together and we did dishes together, although, I distinctly remember going to do the dishes and thinking there's no way Tony would help me with them because he was probably used to having someone else do them. I wasn't even sure he could do dishes but somehow, he came and helped me with them...

Anyway, outside of us doing dishes, I remember being horribly intimidated by him. But if that were so, why would we be dating? But during the entire dream, I was always thinking that I wasn't smart enough for him... I know my intelligence level, and I know his, and I couldn't see how we could work out. God, is that what it would feel like to date a genius? It's an awful feeling... I can't imagine dating someone whose so much smarter than I am... I think it would make me feel subconscious all the time and why would you want that sort of stress on top of dating? :\

Still, for a little while there, it was kinda cool having Tony Stark's attention all on me, even if it was just a dream. I never thought I would be the type to be swayed by that sort of thing (genius, yeah, but money, not so much) but I guess I could be...

(I'm also completely ignoring the fact that he's old enough to be my father. That stuff just squicks me most of the time...)
sherryillk: (Default)
So a while back I got into 00Q stories and although I was doing my systematic devouring of fanfics as I'm often found doing when I get into a new fandom, I found myself reading a Tony Stark/Bruce Banner story. I won't bore you with the details of how that happened since I hadn't even considered their relationship on any level, not even subconscious, but suffice to say, I had been craving very specific stories and one of theirs happened to be one of them. And that's when my eyes were opened to the awesomeness of that pairing.

I had always though that THE Iron Man/Avengers pairing would have to be Tony/Steve and while I've been seeing them around lately, it's never appealed to me. Mostly because I find Captain America to be quite boring. And old since the reboot hasn't really happened yet. Anyway, I never saw the allure of Tony/Steve even though I could see why some people would be into it. But Tony and Bruce? It hits all of my science kinks. And they had some amazing interaction in The Avengers, so that's even better. So now I've been in a week long Tony/Bruce hole even though I had been in the middle of 00Q (I really must get back to that eventually).

There's just so much angst on both sides of this pairing and you know how I love sob stories. And they're both such damaged, lonely, depressing men that the thought of them finding happiness together makes me kinda giddy.

Also? They're both surprisingly mature. I say this because Tony Stark is not generally someone people would call mature in any shape or form but when it comes to life and living, he's an adult who is really perceptive. And Bruce is too. It's so refreshing, especially in really well-written stories because I've been reading stories with rather youngish (under 30) characters for so long, it sometimes feel like I'm reading stories about people who haven't properly lived or matured. It's something I miss from the first couple of pairings I was into -- Jack and Daniel, Methos and Duncan, people who have lived and lost, have had and maintain mature relationships with people. Their perspective of the world is different from younger characters -- hell, it's different from my perspective as a fellow under 30. And sometimes it's nice reading about people like that.

And then this leads to fact that I should probably read proper novels again... And I feel bad that fanfic is basically my only source of reading these days... But who has time to read all the fanfics that they want AND all the published books that interest them too? I'm having hard enough time juggling two fandoms because I'm basically forsaking one for the other right now... And this is also with me getting less sleep because I can't stop reading Tony/Bruce fics. Damn, they're such a good pairing...
sherryillk: (Default)
I was listening to music today while working and the songs from The Break Up came on.

It was the first time I've heard any Glee music since Cory's passing and it just hit me so hard. I've been shocked and numb since I heard about it but I hadn't really felt that overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. But listening to those songs, hearing his voice and knowing he'll never sing another song for Glee just opened the floodgates and I found myself crying for the first time. God, he was just so young... He's only four years older than me... And of course all the songs in The Break Up are sad as hell which just made it all worse...

I just really wish Cory wasn't dead. It's such a tragedy and I wish there was some way it could not be true. But I know it is and that it can't be, so now all I am is just really sad. I can only imagine how his friends and family feel if this is what I feel as a fan of his...
sherryillk: (Default)
It's a sad day.

First the Zimmerman trial, and now Cory Monteith. Real life and fandom life have been dealt such a massive blow, I don't even know how to process everything.

I was first really shocked by the Zimmerman verdict but then that just faded into numbness. I was really, really pulling for manslaughter at the very least. I can't believe he wasn't held responsible for killing a scared kid. It just doesn't seem right that people can just do that and not face justice. But this is the state of the US right now -- things like this can just happen and we can't do anything about it. *sigh*

And just when I thought this day couldn't get worse, I go on Facebook to see Glee's statement about Cory. My heart sank because all Glee fans knows of Cory and his struggles with sobriety. And when he went to rehab earlier this year, I had hoped things would turn around for him, that he recognized the signs and was getting help. I was really looking forward to seeing him again in Glee next season. But now... I don't know if it's because Glee was a show I was zealously into for a number of years or if it's because with social networking and the internet the way it is now, that you form closer bonds with celebrities but I help but feel like I've just lost someone I knew very well... And I know we don't know what the cause of death is yet, but he was found alone in his hotel room, and he was only 31. With his history, I can't imagine it could be anything else but an overdose. But I'm hoping it wasn't something even more sinister. I don't really want this to be any worse than it already is...

And now I can't help but think of Lea, and how happy he seemed with her, and how it seemed like things were getting better, and then my heart breaks all over again. Why do these things happen?

Like I said, it's a sad day.

T_T

Rest in peace, Cory. We'll all miss you with all our hearts.
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