(no subject)

NaNo really is a roller coaster ride this year!

I got to a really good place with my writing yesterday. I finished what I wanted to do, got to where I thought I needed to be and was rolling on so smoothly, it felt like I could continue forever. I had a handle of my story! It was exactly where it needed to be! What could go wrong?

But now...

Not knowing the full canon is really kicking me in the ass. Like, I fucked up so badly. I totally miscalculated. I should have realized when I watched the Tip Off episode. I should have realized when I realized volume 25 was dedicated to the Teikou 3rd year. And I thought since I got the gist of that volume, that I would be okay.

Nope, not fine. Because the whole Teikou arc? It started at the end of volume 23. I'm still two volumes behind. I had no idea there was enough in the manga to cover all three years of Teikou.

Why the hell didn't I check before now? Why didn't I check the volume before and after 25 when I realized what volume 25 was about? How could I be SO STUPID. And there's no way for me to write a coherent story without knowing that era. I mean, geez! What the hell! All my talk about canon... I should have realized it was impossible if you don't have the full canon with you.

The worst part of this is that I'm there in my story. I have no idea where my source material is in the manga so I'll never be able to find the right parts for my story... I'm so tempted to just skip the whole thing. The thing is, I kinda wanted Kise to fall in love during that time -- those couple of months when things were working right with the team before Aomine started going off the rails and up the 2nd Championship. And I wanted Kuroko to start kinda soften towards Kise so it's actually an important part of my story so how can I skip it?

I really can't. Not in the story at least.

But what I can do is skip it for now. I'll come back to it after I get a chance to get to the manga. I should have used today to catch up but I've been making a ton of stupid decisions when it comes to NaNo lately so of course I didn't. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Writing a fanfic for a series that's over? That's like perfect! All you need to do is know what happened in the series by finishing the damn thing! Why would you ever go and write a fanfic where you're only 2/3 of the way through? I doomed myself from the very beginning. So stupid...

Anyway, so I've decided to skip it for now. I'll jump to the next major point in my story -- Kise convincing Kuroko to go to Kaijou. It's in that time after the 3rd Championship when Kuroko decided to quit the club and basically decide to skip school all the time. I seriously have no idea how that's possible since the Championship is probably in July/August so the 3rd years can retire and focus on entrance exams. Final grades for the second semester will be in December and exams will happen in January and Febuary so that's like seven or eight months that Kuroko would have to be absent for. No matter how great his perfect attendance is before he started skipping, I sincerely doubt he'll be able to graduate if he decides to skip for that length of time... So I'll have to come up with something.

So that's where I'm at. My story wasn't supposed to focus so much on Teikou but when I realized I wanted Kise to fall in love first, I realized it had to be during that 2nd year when he first joined the team. So that's why I've spent 20K words on it. OTL

This was supposed to be about Kaijou Kise/Kuroko. I feel like I've let my story get away from me. At this rate, I'll never actually make it there in 50K words! It'll have to happen in the sequel! I'm laughing so much because there isn't going to be a sequel! No way! This story has grown way too freaking big. I was way too ambitious! Oh god, what a fucking mess. And not to mention, I don't feel good about jumping over this rather important part of my story, even if it is temporary. I wanted to discover in love!Kise, use that to transition to this part of the story that I want to write. I mean, I know how I have Kise falling for Kuroko, I just haven't explored it in depth the way I would if I were writing it out. *sigh* I just feel uneasy about this. And slightly guilty. This was supposed to be the fun part of my story too...I've spent the most time thinking about this part of the story. I mean, it's Kaijo KiKuro so of course, I had to think of a way to get them there in the first place. Kise is easy but Kuroko? After what happened in the 3rd Championship? Yeah, that was always going to be a problem. But I've thought it out properly, planned it out like I was supposed to and I was looking forward to writing this part of the story.

Frankly, I had planned on this being a focal point. It's one of the reasons why Victorious Kiss 3Q made me so upset -- it did what I wanted to do the most and did it better than I could have ever done it. So now I now I feel uneasy because there's a hole in my story. And I feel excited because I'm going to write what I wanted to write about since the beginning, the reason why I started this story in the first place! There's always something you want to see happen when you write a fic, right? This is my moment. You build up to it properly and then you go have fun. I haven't built up to it properly so I don't feel good about it at all... But this is what I wanted to write the most! So I'm still excited to see it come to life. But I'm also guilty that I feel that way because I failed as a author because of my lack of preparation.

I really have no idea what kind of story this is going to be. Thank god, I currently have no plans to actually post this anywhere. It's such a mess, it's probably going to take me forever to rewrite...if I ever rewrite it...

And now I've shifted back to hating NaNo. But just wait! In two or three days, when I have my story rolling again, I'll probably be flying high again. Or not. I might just hate it even more at that time. I don't know. Right now I just feel like I suck so badly at writing. And at NaNo. It all just sucks.

(But I am still writing, so at least there's that...? OTL)

(no subject)

You know what? I can't stand it. Knowing what I know, knowing what I lack, I find myself at a standstill...

Even though I committed to the next part of my story, this overwhelming feeling of unease is paralyzingly me. I know I can move on. I know what I wanted to do -- scenes that I planned to use are in still there, I just wanted to weave them through the established canon. Unfortunately, I'm just not able to do that now.

I want to write but I don't at the same time. I can't get over the fact that this feels very wrong to me. I write linearly -- one thing leads to another to another and it all builds on what went before. I don't skip to the good parts, I sludge through to get there. That's just the type of person I am.

So, I've decided to take today. I'll read up to volume 25. It'll take a while but I don't read that slow. And if I have time, maybe I can do some writing today... I don't type that slow but working with canon is always so going for me so who know how it'll go.

I feel slightly better about this but I'm still not totally okay with it. Usually, I'd like to ruminate on the canon , think of how I can work around it but I feel like this is really rushed. I don't think I can bring out the best as I am now. Or even after devouring several volumes at once. I probably should skip this section of my story anyway. At least I'll have it in my mind to work from instead of having this blank.

Oh man, I just don't know what to do. I've decided on something but is it the right thing to do? Am I overthinking this too much? This NaNo seriously is the most troublesome I've ever been in.

edit x1: You know what, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'm going to make this work somehow...