Mar. 24th, 2014

sherryillk: (Default)
So...generally, I am about 125 lbs. I would prefer to be around 120, but I don't mind being 120. A few years ago, I was around 115, which was when I was at my most emaciated (due to various reasons I don't really want to go into, mostly because it's embarrassing and slightly too personal). I realize, for my height, it's still on the normal BMI side of things even if it was extremely close to underweight. But in the last six months, I've gone up to 130 lbs.

I'm not a girl who generally worries about her weight. Or takes special care in diets or minds what they eat. I eat what I want, when I want. But around the time my grandmother passed away, I started to comfort eat, and it's slowly spiraled out of control. I need to preface that with "for me," since I realize for lots of other people, Americans especially, spiraling out of control with food means people gaining a lot of weight very fast, and five pounds is probably nothing to worry about since I'm still firmly in the normal weight category, but for me, it feels like I'm ten pounds from my target weight. Also, I discovered bacon, which in the past, was something I just didn't eat -- too fatty, too salty, kinda gross. But apparently my tastebuds have changed and I've joined the world in the belief that bacon make everything better. Because it can.

The problem is that now that I've gotten into the habit of eating more (snacks in the middle of the night, right before bed, in between meals...) and eating bad stuff like bacon, I can't seem to restrain myself. I just get hungry. And then I want to eat. And how can you not eat when you're hungry because you're hungry! You make plans when you're not hungry to not reach for the crackers or chips, but then you become hungry and all those plans fly out of the window. I can see why people fail at diets. :\

My pants have gotten too tight. If that's not a warning sign, I don't know what is. I feel kinda shallow for even worrying about the whole thing because I should be happy with my weight. I'm not obese. I'm not even overweight. I'm sure there are tons of girls out there who wish they had my body size. People still call me tiny but that's only because I'm Asian and when you compare me to an average American, yeah, okay, I'm smaller than them. But I'm larger than what seems like is the typical Asian girl so it still feels like I weight too much.

Sometimes I wonder if I haven't just been brainwashed by the media to believe weigh too much. But I counter that with the knowledge that I know my own body and I know what I weight I should be. Is this just a symptom of getting older? Do we just get fatter and bigger? I haven't had children so I feel like there shouldn't be major changes in my weight. My metabolism is slowing down, majorly, that I cannot deny. How do people deal with that? Do they just change their eating habits? Do they eat less? Don't change and gain weight? Is that what normally happens? If so, I'm not sure I like that...

Right now I just figure the only thing I can do is eat healthier snacks. If I'm going to eat, and who am I kidding, I'm going to eat, I might as well be eating fruit rather than junk food... *shrugs* I figure that at least, will manage things for now. I'm not sure it'll make a dent in my weight; I suspect I'll have to go back to my old eating habits for that to happen... That'll be my next project. That and probably the dreaded "E" word... *shudders*

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sherryillk

May 2017

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