I think I'm going to be sick

Worry about money, worrying about having fun, worrying about going to the airport, worrying about whether my luggage is over 50 lbs, whether my boxes are over 70 lbs, I'm seriously so stressed right now, I feel sick.

It's like this lead ball in my stomach and I can feel the pressure and the stress suffocating me, squeezing me and I just wanna hide and have it all go over. I want to think that it'll all work out because things always work out but I think it might not work out and I'll have to deal with it... I think the only time I'll be able to finally rest is when I'm on the plane flying home...

Just one more day. I sleep tonight, I send my boxes to College Boxes as planned, nothing too terrible happens with that, I meet up with my Japanese classmates for lunch (hopefully) and karaoke, I come back and do nothing for the rest of the night until 4:30 AM and then I get picked up by SuperShuttle to go to the airport. I check in, hopefully I won't get there too early or late (and hopefully I won't be wanting to kill myself for lugging a ton of stuff around) and then I'm on the plane and home free. I just want to get to that moment.

Gah, I hate this. I have to plan everything out and if anything goes not according to plan then I freak out... And I feel like something is going to mess me up and I'm so gonna freak and this is just going to drive up more and more stress. This really sucks.

And I'm not sure doing karaoke with my friends will help because this is the type of stuff that I shy away from... I know no new songs, I can't sing in Japanese or Chinese or English all that well and... Gah!

It will be okay. It will be okay. I've got to make it my mantra and maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe in it. It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay.

God, I don't know if it's the hormones or what but I'm just feeling awful right now... It's like I just want to cry but I know I have no reason to cry and that scares me because why would I cry if I don't have a reason... Things just suck and hopefully this is just the normal me, not able to deal with it. I don't want to hide from things that intimidate me. But I don't want to hurt myself by doing things that ultimately make me feel bad... *sigh* This sucks. I have to work on being optimistic, not sabotaging myself and relaxing. And not to freak myself even more so than necessary. *sigh* That's easy to easy but not so easy to do... :(

Is it really too much to ask for a steady life with no bumps? I'm okay with it being boring -- as long as I don't have to spend time worrying about every single thing in my life. I'm happiest when everything is alright and okay and nothing is wrong that I have to worry about. *sigh*

And fuck, when is my roommate going to get back? I have to ask her about my tupperware! I suspect she lost it but I want it back because it was my favorite one... :\

Feeling just a bit dizzy...

I don't know if I'm just really stressed or if I'm dehydrated because I'm really thirsty right now but I'm not a happy camper. I've got to say, last night's little panic attack lasted a lot longer than most of my previous ones. I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about everything that was happening, about things going wrong or just worrying about how they'll turn out... I couldn't get to sleep for a long time because of my very overactive mind. And that was a bit annoying.

And once I feel asleep, I think I must have woken up every hour because it wasn't a restful sleep at all... I couldn't believe it when my body woke me up at 6 AM because that was only three hours after I had actually gone to sleep. And then I woke up around 7 AM. And around 7:30 AM and then 8 AM and it was just unbelievable. I didn't plan on getting up until about 9 AM since I was pretty sure the College Boxes people wouldn't get here that early...

Still, I was a bit paranoid so I ended up not staying in bed longer as I had wanted and finished packing. Once again, I'm worried about things being over weight... My small suitcase is very questionable -- ironic in the larger one is the lighter one. Still, I'm worried that one or both of them are overweight and I might have to pay an extra fee to get them on the freaking plane... :(

And to top this day off? I was planning on doing karaoke today with my Japanese classmates but the College Boxes people haven't shown up. Still. It's already past 2:30 so they're late and I've missed the window to go with them. I'm pretty pissed off but seeing as I was a bit apprehensive about going in the first place, I'm not too broken up by it. I just wish I wasn't wasting all this time.

I'm sooo thirsty. I ordered food and usually when I spend over $10 at La Posada, they toss in a soda or something. Nothing. And they forgot the salsa too! I'm not happy, not happy at all... And I'm dying of thirst. I wish I could just go down, walk over to Associated and maybe get something to drink for the rest of the day but the freaking College Boxes people haven't come yet so I'm stuck here waiting because I'm afraid of leaving and missing them while I'm three streets down and an avenue over.

Ugh, this really just sucks... I'm at the point where I just want to be at home already. My backpack is heavy, my laptop is heavy, my other bag I'm taking on as a carryon is freaking heavy and my poor Bear-chan is squished in it. With my luck, my plane is probably going to crash. And now I've said and it's probably going to happen now.

I keep going from worried to pissed to sad to freaked out... I don't do these intense emotions! They make me upset and sad and I hate, hate, hate them! *sigh* If the College Boxes people would just come already, I can go buy some water and then maybe I can freaking relax for the rest of the day.