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I should really know better by now and let a song sit with me a few days before I start judging it. I was rather harsh of Kimeru's last single, 君じゃなきゃダメなんだ, but now that I've had some time, a few days rather than a few hours, I started to realize that the song isn't half bad. It's been in my head lately and anything that can stay in it for any length of time usually has more to it than it seems. And that's what I'm starting to feel with 君じゃなきゃダメなんだ. It's surprisingly catchy after you let it go and how I couldn't see that beforehand is perplexing me... Especially the chorus, which I'm starting to like more and more. Hmmm... I still don't like the PV all too much, the first time I can actually say that a Kimeru PV hasn't appealed to me in some way but the song isn't half bad and certainly not as bad as my first review of it.
So, enough on my Kimeru musings. So, got some bad news yesterday concerning my paternal grandfather. He's back in the hospital and my uncle has decided to sign a DNR form for him. That's...not good. I'm not sure how I feel about it... I know my grandfather has bee finding living troublesome and tiring and that he's lost the will to live (very not good) but he was in good health. His doctor even examined him and said he was doing very well for a 98 year old and that was like a month ago. He hasn't been eating all that much and that's what the whole family was concerned about but that wasn't for physical health reasons rather than him being tired of life...
This is more than troubling for me since I go back to school this Friday... He's my grandfather and of course I want to be around during his last days, whether or not these are going to be it. And I can't help but wonder what would happen. Is he going to die? His blood pressure is apparently at 190 so that's not good. I really wish I knew what's going on but my parents are playing the whole "kids don't understand anything" card and are more tight-lipped about this that I would have thought they would be. That or they're just really concerned and they don't want to let us know how concerned.
But realistically, I feel as though I should know what is happening. The whole DNR was totally out of left-field for me and I suspect it's just about letting my grandfather pass when it's his time. But the whole dying thing is something that I don't agree about... I know he's suffering but I really don't want him to die. It's selfish, I know but I really don't want him to die. I feel sorry for my uncle who has to make this sort of decision... I know there's something about how if they're worried that resuscitation would end up causing him to suffer more but I don't understand...
Ugh, on some part I want to know everything and prepare for the worst and on others, I feel as though I really don't want to know. My mother told me to worry about what happens after if he dies and while it might be easier to do that, I still can't stop thinking about it.
Classes start next week and while there's no guarantee that he will pass anytime soon, there's still a chance. And I can't help but feel the chances of it are higher now with the DNR. It's like if something on the off chance should happen, they aren't going to save him... Maybe I'm being superstitious but this feels as though they're asking for it to finally happen...
And if he dies in a week or a month or whatever, how I am going to have to deal with school? I live on the other side of the country so that's going to be a bother. If it's a weekend funeral, it would work if I just go home for a weekend... I don't work on Fridays and I can always skip a few classes on Monday since all I have are lectures anyway. And since it is relating to a death in a family, it will be excused. Missing a class can't hurt me too much hopefully...
And now I feel as though my talking about it, planning for it, is asking for it to happen too... :(
I don't know. Maybe my mother is right and that I should just worry about it should it happen later... This is definitely not helping my grandfather or me. And I'm glad that we actually went to see him last week because that could be the last time I see him alive. *sigh* I'm desperately hoping that he'll come out of this well because there's always a chance and I'm going to cling to that for now. It's better than clinically analyzing the possibility of his death at the very least.
edit x1:( Fall Schedule )
So, enough on my Kimeru musings. So, got some bad news yesterday concerning my paternal grandfather. He's back in the hospital and my uncle has decided to sign a DNR form for him. That's...not good. I'm not sure how I feel about it... I know my grandfather has bee finding living troublesome and tiring and that he's lost the will to live (very not good) but he was in good health. His doctor even examined him and said he was doing very well for a 98 year old and that was like a month ago. He hasn't been eating all that much and that's what the whole family was concerned about but that wasn't for physical health reasons rather than him being tired of life...
This is more than troubling for me since I go back to school this Friday... He's my grandfather and of course I want to be around during his last days, whether or not these are going to be it. And I can't help but wonder what would happen. Is he going to die? His blood pressure is apparently at 190 so that's not good. I really wish I knew what's going on but my parents are playing the whole "kids don't understand anything" card and are more tight-lipped about this that I would have thought they would be. That or they're just really concerned and they don't want to let us know how concerned.
But realistically, I feel as though I should know what is happening. The whole DNR was totally out of left-field for me and I suspect it's just about letting my grandfather pass when it's his time. But the whole dying thing is something that I don't agree about... I know he's suffering but I really don't want him to die. It's selfish, I know but I really don't want him to die. I feel sorry for my uncle who has to make this sort of decision... I know there's something about how if they're worried that resuscitation would end up causing him to suffer more but I don't understand...
Ugh, on some part I want to know everything and prepare for the worst and on others, I feel as though I really don't want to know. My mother told me to worry about what happens after if he dies and while it might be easier to do that, I still can't stop thinking about it.
Classes start next week and while there's no guarantee that he will pass anytime soon, there's still a chance. And I can't help but feel the chances of it are higher now with the DNR. It's like if something on the off chance should happen, they aren't going to save him... Maybe I'm being superstitious but this feels as though they're asking for it to finally happen...
And if he dies in a week or a month or whatever, how I am going to have to deal with school? I live on the other side of the country so that's going to be a bother. If it's a weekend funeral, it would work if I just go home for a weekend... I don't work on Fridays and I can always skip a few classes on Monday since all I have are lectures anyway. And since it is relating to a death in a family, it will be excused. Missing a class can't hurt me too much hopefully...
And now I feel as though my talking about it, planning for it, is asking for it to happen too... :(
I don't know. Maybe my mother is right and that I should just worry about it should it happen later... This is definitely not helping my grandfather or me. And I'm glad that we actually went to see him last week because that could be the last time I see him alive. *sigh* I'm desperately hoping that he'll come out of this well because there's always a chance and I'm going to cling to that for now. It's better than clinically analyzing the possibility of his death at the very least.
edit x1:( Fall Schedule )
