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Seriously?
Jan. 17th, 2009 06:18 amOh my god, I just got the feeling that I used to write better as a 16 year old than I do now. *fail*
Damn it, that kinda bums me out. Here I thought that if I went back and reread some of my older work, I'll be buoyed up by how much I sucked back then that I'll gain extra enthusiasm to write now. Not so much. It was so much better than what I'm writing now! T_T In 2000 words, I managed to write something that flowed (and concluded, most importantly it concluded well) unlike the 1000 word piece that I'm writing now that just sputters along. *fails* Ugh, how depressing... Now I'm scared to look at my other works (I only read one piece and it was song fic at that! That usually means something is sure to suck!). I know the long piece that must not be named that I never finished is pretty choppy but I haven't looked at that in years as well. *sigh*
Gah, if there was ever a time that I haven't been more convinced that writing is an art that takes time and practice... After a six year lull, anyone's abilities will stagnate. Not that I think I had all that much ability in the first place... But the fic I just read, I actually kinda liked instead of the fic I'm writing which I just kinda hate. And it was unbeta'ed! With typos too! But I still thought it wasn't all that bad... A bit of a throwaway, kinda like the stuff you see that's short nowadays that isn't too deep but you walk away from it thinking "Aw, now isn't that fluffy? With a side of angst too! Score!" Angst? Fluff? I wasn't even aware I could write that sort of stuff... o.O I'm still not sure I could write that sort of stuff...
Oh well, I guess if I care, I need to just get back into the feel of things... Write more. Dig down and try and relearn things I obviously knew before... :\ Somehow, I feel like this will be impossible though. I'm a different person now and my views on things are different as well. I don't think I can write like that anymore. I'm not sure I want write like that anymore either. It's all very strange. But I don't think I'm going to know for sure unless I try. And there's always revision right? I can always rewrite everything, as much as that will probably pain me to do so. And I've already changed so much of what I originally written so it's not like I'm all too fond of what's already there... I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by trying to write again but I'm going to avoid past mistakes and not post anything until I'm satisfied with things. Or at least satisfied enough that it doesn't suck as much as it could be sucking because I know I'll never be satisfied with things. *sigh*
Gah, I feel like I should just do nothing and let things stand. I've spent a good six years not writing at all and I was okay with that. But lately, I have this idea that I want to do and I can't get it out of my mind. And I feel like I don't want to leave the fandom without having gotten it out and I feel like it'll be soon. My interest and fondness for the fandom seems to be cooling to the point where I really don't want to read any more fics from it (which leaves me bereft because it was basically the fandom that I was reading fanfics mostly from) and I fear I may be in the stages of leaving the fandom. It's odd because this isn't the first time I've left it but it is the first time I've been a lurker who is leaving... I feel as though I haven't made a meaningful, positive mark on it which maybe why I want to get this story out of my head. It'll be the mark of the second time I leave the fandom...
I don't know, maybe I'm being melodramatic. Maybe I'm not leaving anything at all and it's just another period where my attention gets swayed by something else and I just need a little break. Maybe this whole thing about leaving a mark in the form of a story is just a sign of my delusions of grandeur and I'm being a bit egocentric again. Maybe I need to go to sleep already because it's past 6 AM and I'm freaking myself out with this entry post...
Huh, yeah, I think I need to do that. Sleep since I have to work tomorrow. And after that, maybe I'll write a bit. Maybe I won't. I should probably do some translations either way though... *sigh* Ah, whatever. I get the feeling this is another one of those posts where I think I'm totally crazy when I look back on it...
Damn it, that kinda bums me out. Here I thought that if I went back and reread some of my older work, I'll be buoyed up by how much I sucked back then that I'll gain extra enthusiasm to write now. Not so much. It was so much better than what I'm writing now! T_T In 2000 words, I managed to write something that flowed (and concluded, most importantly it concluded well) unlike the 1000 word piece that I'm writing now that just sputters along. *fails* Ugh, how depressing... Now I'm scared to look at my other works (I only read one piece and it was song fic at that! That usually means something is sure to suck!). I know the long piece that must not be named that I never finished is pretty choppy but I haven't looked at that in years as well. *sigh*
Gah, if there was ever a time that I haven't been more convinced that writing is an art that takes time and practice... After a six year lull, anyone's abilities will stagnate. Not that I think I had all that much ability in the first place... But the fic I just read, I actually kinda liked instead of the fic I'm writing which I just kinda hate. And it was unbeta'ed! With typos too! But I still thought it wasn't all that bad... A bit of a throwaway, kinda like the stuff you see that's short nowadays that isn't too deep but you walk away from it thinking "Aw, now isn't that fluffy? With a side of angst too! Score!" Angst? Fluff? I wasn't even aware I could write that sort of stuff... o.O I'm still not sure I could write that sort of stuff...
Oh well, I guess if I care, I need to just get back into the feel of things... Write more. Dig down and try and relearn things I obviously knew before... :\ Somehow, I feel like this will be impossible though. I'm a different person now and my views on things are different as well. I don't think I can write like that anymore. I'm not sure I want write like that anymore either. It's all very strange. But I don't think I'm going to know for sure unless I try. And there's always revision right? I can always rewrite everything, as much as that will probably pain me to do so. And I've already changed so much of what I originally written so it's not like I'm all too fond of what's already there... I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by trying to write again but I'm going to avoid past mistakes and not post anything until I'm satisfied with things. Or at least satisfied enough that it doesn't suck as much as it could be sucking because I know I'll never be satisfied with things. *sigh*
Gah, I feel like I should just do nothing and let things stand. I've spent a good six years not writing at all and I was okay with that. But lately, I have this idea that I want to do and I can't get it out of my mind. And I feel like I don't want to leave the fandom without having gotten it out and I feel like it'll be soon. My interest and fondness for the fandom seems to be cooling to the point where I really don't want to read any more fics from it (which leaves me bereft because it was basically the fandom that I was reading fanfics mostly from) and I fear I may be in the stages of leaving the fandom. It's odd because this isn't the first time I've left it but it is the first time I've been a lurker who is leaving... I feel as though I haven't made a meaningful, positive mark on it which maybe why I want to get this story out of my head. It'll be the mark of the second time I leave the fandom...
I don't know, maybe I'm being melodramatic. Maybe I'm not leaving anything at all and it's just another period where my attention gets swayed by something else and I just need a little break. Maybe this whole thing about leaving a mark in the form of a story is just a sign of my delusions of grandeur and I'm being a bit egocentric again. Maybe I need to go to sleep already because it's past 6 AM and I'm freaking myself out with this entry post...
Huh, yeah, I think I need to do that. Sleep since I have to work tomorrow. And after that, maybe I'll write a bit. Maybe I won't. I should probably do some translations either way though... *sigh* Ah, whatever. I get the feeling this is another one of those posts where I think I'm totally crazy when I look back on it...
