Remind me never to do this again

For the first time in years, I opened up Gregon and read it. Well, I got as far as the third chapter before I realized I was full of shit and couldn't stand to read any more. *sigh* Up until that point, I had been entertaining thoughts of revamping and finishing it up seeing as it's been six and half years since I left it as an eternal WiP... Besides, I was thinking it hadn't been half bad... Sure, it had a lot of stuff that I would change and fix but I was thinking I could manage it, if not to finish it to post but as an exercise to brush up on those fic writing skills.

But then I as I read on and realized how ridiculous of a story it really was and what stupid things I introduced into the story, I completely shut down. Oh my god, I'm sure all writers have these moments where they realize their old writings were incredibly bad (really, really bad) but gah, the stuff I came up with... I don't even want to think about it... Hell, I wish I hadn't even remembered... It's been such a long time since I even thought about it that I forgotten those little details that I added...The stuff that even I had hated back then. *sigh* If I really were to use this as an exercise to return to writing, I suspect it'll be spent being full of embarrassment... And with lots of cringes and winces at a younger Sherry's writing antics... I was such a teenage writer...

The thing is, I can't help but think there are some salvageable moments in the story, that it wasn't all crap... But to face it all again to write a story that is completely AU now is not really appealing, especially when it shares elements of a new story that has been knocking around my head for the last couple of months. The desire is for the new story but the prospect of failing the story stops me every time... I must have written the first part countless of times already, each time to dismiss it as lacking and I start again... And now I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't be writing this story at all. Or if I'm ever going to get anywhere with it to just sit down and write it all without all the second guessing since it's what's hanging me up. Write the scenes that have been playing in my head for the past six months and see where they lead... At the very least give it a good effort, call it good and get it out of my mind already. I swear, not doing anything is driving me as insane as failing to write... Every song seems to remind me of it, I'm dreaming about it...It's like it's haunting me and I suspect it'll continue to do so until I get it all out... But I'm also not really sure I really want to write at all aside from this strange compulsion...

I don't think I could bear to type something in my free time but I think I might whip out my notebook and just scribble some ideas. I've been thinking about it for so long, I might as well do something... At least then I can go and rip everything up and have that physical release of having done something and destroy it when I decide I hate it. *sigh* Now I just wish I hadn't succumb to curiosity and opened that fic in the first place. I should have just bypassed it as usual to head to my Favorite Stories to see if anything was updated like I always do and I could have avoided all of this... *grumbles*