Roommate contradictions...

[sherryillk]

Last year didn't feel like this and I think I'm starting to understand why. Last year, even though I did live in a room with a roommate, it still felt like I was isolated and alone, as if the other person had no existed at all.

That might sound bad, but I think it probably was the same for her as well. We were conscious of each other's presence but at the same time, we didn't concern ourselves with each other's existence.

This year it feels a bit more uncomfortable. I suppose it's because while I can coexist with people, I still like to be left completely alone. I don't want people knowing what I do, when I do them, how I do them. I like to be completely private when it comes to my affairs.

Yet with Xiao, it's not like that because she's a good friend. She's concerned with me and half the time, I think she's preoccupied with me. Things I want to do, I feel as though I'm not completely free to do them with her around. What it comes down to is that I don't want her to know about that part of me at all. That sounds bad too... I mean, we're friends and we should be able to be open with each other but really, I would rather not have someone there that knows me that intimately. Especially someone whose opinion of me might be changed by what I do.

Ah, I feel like I should have gone the way of Diana and gotten a single. The only problem with that is the fact that singles are way more expensive than doubles and it's not like where I'm at OSU where the price for a single for an entire year is equal to the cost of a double for half a year at NYU.

I was planning on hitting Chinatown today but it's supposed to be extremely windy and it supposed to rain so I'll just postpone it to tomorrow. I'll figure something out for dinner tonight... Maybe grilled cheese? I had a sandwich yesterday and a can of soup (potato and bacon chowder) so I don't feel like repeating yesterday's meal today. Although, I could...

Comments

[yoshikochan.livejournal.com]

It's strange with roommates... I can kind of understand... my first year, my roommate and I weren't friends for 2/3 of the year. She was almost always gone, though, so I just kept on my side of the room. If you looked at our room, you could almost see this line drawn down the middle, with all my anime posters and random things on my side of the wall and all her pictures and dried flowers and things on her side of the wall. For that 2/3 we kept to our selves, and even after the incidents that made us friends, it still felt like I had my own room in a way. ... isolated, like you said. But I had an amazing set of floormates, and so I never felt lonely, or alone. I just walked into the hallway, and there everybody was... and then I had my room for privacy.

Then my second year, and actualy somewhat this year too, and I had/have roommates who I'm really good friends with. But one problem is that they were/are ALWAYS in the room... last year it drove me crazy. This year, actually, my roommate is worse about it, because I don't ever see her going to class (I learned that actually it's cause she's a part-time student), but this year I can escape to the rest of the apt, while I couldn't do that in the share-all dorms. But I do know the feeling when you say, "Especially someone whose opinion of me might be changed by what I do." ... I know that fear. It's scary.... .... .... but I dunno. One thing that I learned, and actually I learned it from blogging, is a lot of the things we do that we think are 'evil', that we are afraid of letting others know about, actually, others do too, and think the same thing, and are just as afraid... and when we finally tell them, we don't break apart, but rather grow closer....

but it's not always true. I don't want my current roommate to know I read shounen ai/yaoi manga because she's catholic and all.... even though she's really into anime and the like. And that's something that can be really scary because of how badly people can react... but actually I'm not too worried because in her case, I know she's not homophobic, at least. But on the other hand, my freshman year, what brought me and my roommate to finally getting along was when she opened up about some very serious things.... things that, had I not been accepting of them, could have destroyed.... they had already destroyed her relationship with her mother.

But I guess in the end, I've pretty much done the same thing with every roommate ^^; for every unliked quirk they have, I just 'hang in there' until the year is over. ^__^;; And tell myself - 'it's only a year, it's only a year, it's only a year' ^^;;;;;;;