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sherryillkKimeru's photo album is $51.49.
$51.49.
I don't think I can afford that. With a DVD, I can somehow somewhat justify it. A book with pretty pictures, I can't seem to justify it at all aside from "Kimeru pretty! Pretty Kimeru!" and I don't think that cuts it.
God, thinking about it just makes me think of the money that I've wasted on Kimeru on the basis of "I like him" and "I am a fan" and "I don't want to be hated" and I wonder what kind of person have I turned into. This is not normal! Kimeru corrupted me. Anime corrupted me. God damn it, tracing all the way back, Diana corrupted me. Or maybe I shouldn't be blaming anything or anyone else right now. It's all about me, isn't it? I corrupted myself.
It seems as though every post I make goes down the tubes and degenerates into something negative. As a person who advocates happy vibes, I don't seem to be sending many of them out. And that just makes me even more depressed and I hate myself even more for bringing myself down and everyone else who reads it.
Should I make this private? I've been writing too many private posts, I think... And I wonder, do many people do that? Some have private journals but I don't want to divorce myself. That is almost like pretending it doesn't exist or that it exists in a separate form away from myself. I don't want that. This is me. All of it. I made this journal for myself as an extension of me and my thoughts. I shouldn't have make another one because that, in a way, seems like a betrayal of myself. And once you start stripping away your morals, your beliefs, once you start excusing them or pretending that it's just this one time, then you have changed yourself forever and you are no longer true to yourself and your earlier version of truth.
The modification of personal truth is so iffy. It really is. It excuses so much. I want to be myself and true to myself but I'm not sure who I am yet. Who am I? I don't know so how can I have set morals? And the things that I had once believed but have betrayed, is that a betrayal at all? Or am I just modifying my truth?
I guess it all comes down to yourself. Can you accept this new person. Were your convictions so strong that they remain after you've violated them. Are they considered universal?
Am I wasting money on Kimeru or am I pursuing an interest? And can I afford to pursue this interest if that is what I am doing? I am behaving irresponsibly? Or am I giving into whims every so often that really doesn't effect me overall?
I feel as though I'm thinking too much here. This should be simple -- I like Kimeru therefore the money spent on him is justified, right? But there's so much more than just Kimeru here. The whole act of "spending money on Kimeru" is influencing my psyche, it's changing my life, it's affecting outcomes and my future. Decisions causes cascades and I have no idea if this is one that I'm supposed to be starting. Or if it's one that won't do damage to my life or who I am in the long run. This is what life is, isn't it? Finding out if the choices we make are the correct ones, right?
There are no such things as sure bets, and life is like playing Russian roulette. I just don't want to be killing myself here. I might be making too big of a deal about it, but I think if you don't worry about the small stuff, it'll start to add up. Every decision is followed by an outcome. And these outcomes influence the way we feel and that changes the way we think. And that will change us forever. That, I think, is something to be concerned about. Maybe this is the line for me. If I buy that book now, when I really shouldn't (but can and it probably won't dent my life in an immediate way), I'll be crossing that line of no return.
Or maybe that line has already been crossed and this is my attempt to take back what I've already done.
I wonder, do all people every think the way I do? So preoccupied about every little thing, believing one wrong move could change your life forever? It's the whole "change forever" thing that always trips me. Will it be favorable, will it not? Do we leave it up to fate as it's ultimately up to or do we not change it at all to hedge our bets? We make decisions like this every day and it scares me to think that somewhere along the line, some wrong paths were taken and now I'm forever off the right path.
But I don't want to be that girl who's so scared of life and making mistakes that she's not living. And I don't want to be that girl who is so naive that she can't see that actions have consequences. What is my life? What can I make it to be? What do I want it to be? I really hate having all these questions and no answers. How do people get through life, wondering about everything all the time and having no answers? Why do people do it? They have to, yes, but is the difference between them are how they cope? The ones that kill themselves and the ones that are resigned to unhappiness. The ones that strive and the ones that are content? Who am I? No one can answer this but me, and I feel as though the problem is that I can't answer it either. The problem ultimately lies with me. And I feel as though that's the problem in itself. Me, it's always about me, isn't it? Sherry, who's so focused on herself that she can't think rationally any more. It always comes back to me, doesn't it? Such an egotistic view of life -- me, me, me. And my ultimate problem is that I can't accept that. This goes against what I believe and what I think. People who live their lives in accordance to themselves are dooming themselves because it just can't end well. Life is not like that. It was never like that, therefore, I can't be like that.
Perhaps a re-examination of truth is in order. Maybe I need to change my thoughts. For a long time, I was too influenced by Ayn Rand and thought egotistically. Now, I feel as though that's wrong. Maybe it's time to go back. I was happier then, wasn't I? No, I don't think I was. Come to think of it, I never was, was I?
Ack, back to the bad thoughts that send off the bad vibes. Avoidance is not the right way to handle this, I know, but I need to keep myself somewhat sane. It's a coping mechanism, it really is. And I think I might leave it like this. I apologize for all I've brought down with my depressive thoughts. If it really disturbs you and you think it's detrimental to the general feel of life, then I'll make it private and it'll only be adding it to my world instead. I have to go to class now, otherwise, I think I might ramble forever...
$51.49.
I don't think I can afford that. With a DVD, I can somehow somewhat justify it. A book with pretty pictures, I can't seem to justify it at all aside from "Kimeru pretty! Pretty Kimeru!" and I don't think that cuts it.
God, thinking about it just makes me think of the money that I've wasted on Kimeru on the basis of "I like him" and "I am a fan" and "I don't want to be hated" and I wonder what kind of person have I turned into. This is not normal! Kimeru corrupted me. Anime corrupted me. God damn it, tracing all the way back, Diana corrupted me. Or maybe I shouldn't be blaming anything or anyone else right now. It's all about me, isn't it? I corrupted myself.
It seems as though every post I make goes down the tubes and degenerates into something negative. As a person who advocates happy vibes, I don't seem to be sending many of them out. And that just makes me even more depressed and I hate myself even more for bringing myself down and everyone else who reads it.
Should I make this private? I've been writing too many private posts, I think... And I wonder, do many people do that? Some have private journals but I don't want to divorce myself. That is almost like pretending it doesn't exist or that it exists in a separate form away from myself. I don't want that. This is me. All of it. I made this journal for myself as an extension of me and my thoughts. I shouldn't have make another one because that, in a way, seems like a betrayal of myself. And once you start stripping away your morals, your beliefs, once you start excusing them or pretending that it's just this one time, then you have changed yourself forever and you are no longer true to yourself and your earlier version of truth.
The modification of personal truth is so iffy. It really is. It excuses so much. I want to be myself and true to myself but I'm not sure who I am yet. Who am I? I don't know so how can I have set morals? And the things that I had once believed but have betrayed, is that a betrayal at all? Or am I just modifying my truth?
I guess it all comes down to yourself. Can you accept this new person. Were your convictions so strong that they remain after you've violated them. Are they considered universal?
Am I wasting money on Kimeru or am I pursuing an interest? And can I afford to pursue this interest if that is what I am doing? I am behaving irresponsibly? Or am I giving into whims every so often that really doesn't effect me overall?
I feel as though I'm thinking too much here. This should be simple -- I like Kimeru therefore the money spent on him is justified, right? But there's so much more than just Kimeru here. The whole act of "spending money on Kimeru" is influencing my psyche, it's changing my life, it's affecting outcomes and my future. Decisions causes cascades and I have no idea if this is one that I'm supposed to be starting. Or if it's one that won't do damage to my life or who I am in the long run. This is what life is, isn't it? Finding out if the choices we make are the correct ones, right?
There are no such things as sure bets, and life is like playing Russian roulette. I just don't want to be killing myself here. I might be making too big of a deal about it, but I think if you don't worry about the small stuff, it'll start to add up. Every decision is followed by an outcome. And these outcomes influence the way we feel and that changes the way we think. And that will change us forever. That, I think, is something to be concerned about. Maybe this is the line for me. If I buy that book now, when I really shouldn't (but can and it probably won't dent my life in an immediate way), I'll be crossing that line of no return.
Or maybe that line has already been crossed and this is my attempt to take back what I've already done.
I wonder, do all people every think the way I do? So preoccupied about every little thing, believing one wrong move could change your life forever? It's the whole "change forever" thing that always trips me. Will it be favorable, will it not? Do we leave it up to fate as it's ultimately up to or do we not change it at all to hedge our bets? We make decisions like this every day and it scares me to think that somewhere along the line, some wrong paths were taken and now I'm forever off the right path.
But I don't want to be that girl who's so scared of life and making mistakes that she's not living. And I don't want to be that girl who is so naive that she can't see that actions have consequences. What is my life? What can I make it to be? What do I want it to be? I really hate having all these questions and no answers. How do people get through life, wondering about everything all the time and having no answers? Why do people do it? They have to, yes, but is the difference between them are how they cope? The ones that kill themselves and the ones that are resigned to unhappiness. The ones that strive and the ones that are content? Who am I? No one can answer this but me, and I feel as though the problem is that I can't answer it either. The problem ultimately lies with me. And I feel as though that's the problem in itself. Me, it's always about me, isn't it? Sherry, who's so focused on herself that she can't think rationally any more. It always comes back to me, doesn't it? Such an egotistic view of life -- me, me, me. And my ultimate problem is that I can't accept that. This goes against what I believe and what I think. People who live their lives in accordance to themselves are dooming themselves because it just can't end well. Life is not like that. It was never like that, therefore, I can't be like that.
Perhaps a re-examination of truth is in order. Maybe I need to change my thoughts. For a long time, I was too influenced by Ayn Rand and thought egotistically. Now, I feel as though that's wrong. Maybe it's time to go back. I was happier then, wasn't I? No, I don't think I was. Come to think of it, I never was, was I?
Ack, back to the bad thoughts that send off the bad vibes. Avoidance is not the right way to handle this, I know, but I need to keep myself somewhat sane. It's a coping mechanism, it really is. And I think I might leave it like this. I apologize for all I've brought down with my depressive thoughts. If it really disturbs you and you think it's detrimental to the general feel of life, then I'll make it private and it'll only be adding it to my world instead. I have to go to class now, otherwise, I think I might ramble forever...
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no subject
on 2006-04-10 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-04-10 09:38 pm (UTC)It's like I'm not contributing much as it is (especially since they're paying for college and it's not like I have any loans or that much in scholarships anyway) that even if I use what I made from work so frivorously, I think I'll feel bad... It won't hurt my parents all that much if I spent $52 on a photobook (though they would doubt my sanity a bit and I will as well if I did do it) but then again, it's still a good amount of money spent just to make myself happy...
I don't know. It's complicated in my mind... :\ The way I think of it is that I have Kimeru's next single and DVD preordered and that should be enough... But pretty Kimeru! Pictures! I do want...
no subject
on 2006-04-11 01:09 am (UTC)I'll vouch for you and don't feel miserable from reading your posts.
I finally found the time to go through the music you sent me. It was a happy, happy time. I actually know a couple of them. You had one mislabeled though.
张信哲 - 白月光 is actually not this at all. The singer isn't even the same. I know this song...and I know the singer's voice because he's got a feminine, womanish voice and I've listened to him as a kid since I was 10. The title is definitely 心太軟. The actual singer is: 任賢齊.
Just thought you'd like to know.
no subject
on 2006-04-11 01:22 am (UTC)but whatever, i love me some pretty japanese men and their amazing voices.
no subject
on 2006-04-11 03:20 am (UTC)I agree that it's very important to hang onto your morals... but don't be afraid of your morals changing, either, as you learn new things and grow. I think I've reached this point in my life where I'm a little beyond the 'who am I' question... everyone who learns to think reaches this question. Mind you, there are lots of people who never learn to think, but the ones who do most definitly undergo a lot of self-exploration...
Hm... I took a sociology class that helped me a lot... there's something you need to discover but you have to find it for yourself. So keep asking questions! Lets see, some good reading I can recommend from that class:
"The Created Self: Reinventing Body, Persona, and Spirit" by Robert J. Weber
Oh, there's a lot of good things from my reader too but I'm gonna scan those in eventually. I'll post them. =) It really helps to read all these things articulated, but only if you've started to grasp for yourself is... what truth is. And there is an answer, you'll figure it out, surely. =)
"Every decision is followed by an outcome. And these outcomes influence the way we feel and that changes the way we think." Oooo I totally agree! Though I only started to notice this lately... it's something I'll have to start thinking about. All those mistakes I made... and how what happened changed me as a person... forever, as you said.... ^^; But I learned from those things... even the things that were really bad, and really painful, I wouldn't take them back, because I learned because I did them.
And because one mistake doesn't destroy your life... life isn't so fragile as it seems. =) Shimpaishinaide! Yeah, it's better not to make a mistake if you know you're about to make one, and it's better not to make a lot of mistakes, but a mistake here or there won't destroy you. And there's actually a lot of moves that we think are 'wrong' that are actually okay... it's something I learned from sociology ^^; it's true there are wrong things in the world (like rape, war, murder, purposly trampling on someone's feelings just to hurt them, and other inhumanities), but it's unlikely that's what you're worried about. A lot of things just seem wrong because everyone tells us that it's wrong, that it's gonna mess you and your life up. But you know what? No one can see the future, not all those self-help and how-to-find-success book people. Not all those social workers and counsilers, or your parents or even your friends or even you. So don't be afraid. ^__^ Okay, it's okay to be afraid, but don't be as afraid. I think there's a lot less certainty than we think, and that's a good thing.