Kutless' All the Words and other random ramblings

[sherryillk]

From the very first moment I heard this song, I knew I liked it. But then when I really listened to the lyrics, I knew beyond a doubt that it was Christian pop song and instantly I was conflicted. I'm an atheist, a very strict atheist at that matter. If I was agnostic, I would have less trouble with this song because as an agnostic, I wouldn't necessarily have to hate this song. As an atheist, I feel like I'm honor bound to scoff the hell out of this song and to personal deny it. T_T

When you decide to be atheist, you are essentially deciding that you reject the notion of God or a higher power (mostly the existence of God). You make it a point to especially deny the fact that there is a God and you decide to be actively against God. If you're agnostic, you really wouldn't care either way so there really is no need to be actively campaigning either way but that isn't so with atheism. And seeing as I really dislike the notion of God altogether, liking this song is really hard for me.

In a way, you can maybe construe that it's not about God like "all the words and all in my life, that I could never explain and never describe, all of my love which is nothing to hide" but then you hear parts like "so I lift up my hands in worship" and "by your grace you let me come and talk to you, it's not that I'm worthy, I thank you Jesus for the love that you have shown" and it's so undeniably about God that it gets me every time.

But damn is it a good song. It's exactly the type of music sound that I love. Had it not been a Christian pop song, I so would have loved it unconditionally. But seeing as I can't, I'm totally diverting my love and attention to The Churchill's Everybody Gets What They Deserve which I am loving more and more as I listen to it. It's just absolutely a wonderful song. I had uploaded it before and now I'm recommending it even more. It just sounds like such a good song. I especially love the first part where they go "Please don't tell / I never meant to hurt you even though I didn't wish you well / please don't you tell / I don't know what I was thinking" and the very corny part where they say "But I could be wrong / Cuz I could never live with me before you came along / you made me whole / you crept into the window of my soul."

Okay, I think I need to go and do my Physics homework. I had neglected it because of my Japanese chapter test today but I have about three hours before recitation so that should be enough to do the homework and get ready for the problems today. I had just had lunch and while I was eating, I had read the chapter and for the most part it doesn't seem so bad. Except for the R-C circuits -- that looks way hard but only because there's a lot of differentials and derivatives involved... :\ I really hate Calculus...

My exam went well... I don't think I did it perfectly but for the most part I did okay. And seeing as most of my class wasn't able to do the third page with the interview, I think I'm a step up above them all. ^^ I did forget one line -- "Thank you for your consideration." And the really sad part about it? I made it a point to especially study the dialogues and a point to remember that one line. But when push came to shove, I couldn't remember it all. All I could remember was "onegai moushiagemasu" which was the ending. And for some reason, I kept thinking of "douzo" as well. :\ And I thought about it and I couldn't figure out why it would be "douzo" so I changed it to "doumo." Turns out it was "douzo." T_T But while I was doing it, I knew there was something in between the "dou-something" and the "onegai" part but for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. :( Turns out the entire thing was "douzo yoroshiku onegai moushiagemasu." Damn it. I knew that! But obviously not as well as I thought I did.

And I'm pretty sure I messed up the "Why did you apply for this job" part... :\ But for the most part, it seemed okay... Hopefully. I don't think I did very well altogether though... As we were talking about it with everybody after the test, I get the feeling that I made a lot more mistakes than I realized. *sigh* Especially the whole honorifics/humble part... Damn it. Whatever, at least I rocked with the interview (aside from those two lines...). I so knew they were going to do that to me and I knew if I didn't study it, I would be so incredibly screwed. Considering it was 25.5 points, it was a large part of our entire exam grade. I know I shouldn't feel so good about it but the people in my class were like "oh my god, I left most of it blank" or "I just couldn't do it and made up some stuff that I thought was right." Hopefully there is a curve? :\

Anyway, it's over now. All I have to do is Physics for now and then later worry about our Japanese midterm oral. We're not doing a script and getting it correct so I'm a bit worried about it. And we have to have a "description" done by Thursday... I barely know my partner too but I sent her an email so hopefully we'll figure it out together.

What else to talk about before I go and study Physics and do my Physics homework? Oh! This morning something happened that pissed me off. I don't have class until 11 AM so I usually sleep until 10:30ish or so. And seeing as I studied until 3:30 AM for my exam, I totally needed the sleep. My roommate had come back from class around 10ish and woke me up by her coming in. I'm a light sleeper so any sort of movement is usually enough to rouse me. But then she did something that I thought was really insensitive and thoughtless. She turned on the TV. I was still sleeping! Sure, I stirred a bit and was jolted a bit awake by her coming in but still, I had a good half an hour of sleep left! That's a lot when you really don't have that much sleep in the first place! Who turns on the TV when their roommates are sleeping?! WHO?! I sure as hell wouldn't. Living with her has made me realize I'm a lot more passive aggressive than I thought since I constantly want her to poof out of existence. It's like every little thing she does annoys me. T_T She's not a terrible person intentionally but I think that she's a very unintentional person. As in she really doesn't have any sort of consideration for others outside of the normal socially expected norms because she is really conscious about herself and her actions. Me, I'm more of my actions and how they effect others and she is so clearly not. Little things, you know? They matter...

It's only a few more months... I can survive this, hopefully without flying off the handle and imploding on myself. I just need to think of this as a good way to practice dealing with people who annoy the hell out of me.

Comments

[sherryillk.livejournal.com]

Hell yeah, black and white! I've always been about the correct division of stuff and grey has always been that scary place that I like to stay away from. And sort into light greys, lighter greys, dark greys, darkers greys and etc. Everything has their place and that's neat. I don't necessarily disblieve that all things can't be rationally sorted.

An existence of deity would mean something out there had a reason for my existence and I believe the reason for my existence is what I made of it through living. If it was something already decided, then I really had no say or part of it and that to me is undermining my self sovereignty. The god in deism may have backed off after creating everything, but if he didn't have a reason to create things (and to back off), why would he do it? If if it was for no reason and it was just a whim, wouldn't that be the reason? And my life is reduced to a god's whim? Sad would that be! I would rather believe there was no reason to my existence but through living, I start to define what my existence means.

And your man, I would ask why would he kill, rape and pillage? If it's just for fun, then hey, he has a right to have fun. But considering he's doing it under society's constraints and laws, I would also say he was very stupid and didn't think it through too well. Or he did, weighed the consequences and decided to do it anyway and who am I to say he did the wrong thing for himself? I would take issues with interfering with the natural development of other people but in terms of himself, I say go ahead. This why I'm still unsure about my own fate and whether or not I'll be locked up for being crazy or dangerous to society. But hey, at least I'm honest about it. I know my philosophy doesn't quite jive with the whole society mind, especially the one that exists nowadays, but if you're true to yourself, don't interfere with others, then at least you can say that you have done the best for yourself under your own terms.

Anyway, I really doubt I'll be able influence the world or society with my thoughts on the meaning of life. I practice non-interference -- let the world deal with the issues, I'll deal with my issues with the way the world deals. If I end up being a solitary crazy person who becomes "evil" in the minds of society, well, who cares? The chances of that happening are low because I believe practicing my own beliefs while in living within the rules of society in a way to get ahead and to not upset the balance of my life. It's a nicely cobbled together philosophy and I'm sure it contradicts itself in a hundred different ways, but I'm cool with it and it'll be a lifetime of ironing it out until it works for me.

Lastly, I do think I am honest with myself. If I deny an accepted truth, I'll do it with the full knowledge that I'm doing it for my own benefit. And I am totally okay with that if it serves my purpose and helps me live my life a little easier. Now if only the theists could do it too -- admit they might be wrong at the same time deciding to keep to their beliefs despite that. Now that would be seriously amazing. To them it'll probably be considering undermining their own beliefs but for me, it would be totally affirming my right to do what I want in terms of myself.

[harumi.livejournal.com]

Okay, that makes sense.

There are theists who have done this. One recent one in particular received a PhD in evolutionary science but doesn't actually believe in it. Well...whatever floats his boat I suppose.

I'm very much a humanistic type of person, which means that for me, I want to do something for other people. It's very important that I do so, and I think more in societal terms instead of individual. This may be due to upbringing, but I see no problem with yours. Provided you don't rape, kill, or pillage. ^_~

[sherryillk.livejournal.com]

I like doing stuff for other people too and I do tend to think in societal terms as well. My difference is that it's in terms of the individual. I really don't think one can succeed in society without learning the rules of the game and then exploiting the hell out of it. I'll make my roommates cupcakes and cookies and muffins and I'll take them to free events that only AR tutors get to go too (are you still an AR tutor? Do you have stuff like that there too? Like free play tickets, free movie screenings, etc?) and it's nice of me to do it, but by doing so I insure they think well of me and that's important in today's society. By interacting with them, talking and listening to them, I'm able get their loyalty and friendship. It's still about the self and it's consciously recognizing that I do things with ulterior motives. But I like to think it serves me and society as a whole, even if it's not a completely pure motive.