Ugh, more GA/PP talk because I can't get it out of my mind

Watching this whole GA/PP crossover will kill me. I'm sure it will kill me. Why did I have to go for the pairing that has already died and has been buried years ago? He's going to fucking propose to that little bitch that I have never liked, even when I wasn't into Addek. I want to see great Addison/Derek interaction in these next couple of episodes. I don't want him to marry her! I want him to go back to Addison! Now I have to wait until Thursday when it might get somewhat resolved. But at least I have two episodes to enjoy this week, even if I have to suffer through smoopy Merder crap. Yuck, just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

I don't know what bugs me about that relationship. It's just a bunch of different things. First, Meredith is the main character. I'm generally a main character hater. And she's also a girl and I'll definitely admit to be a girl hater. I don't like girl actresses, girl characters, girl singers, girl groups, girl bands, etc. Although it is strange that I take to Addison so well... But then again, I was lured into PP without knowing Addison would be the main character on the show so it tempted me after the fact. And then there's the reason that she's young and that there's this huge age gap. I hate age gaps in any pairing. And the young factor just makes them very unequal in standing and I'm all about the equality. At least with Addison, I know she's similar in age and also awesome in her field, just like Derek is. And they were married, something I think is very important. Married for 11 years too! That's a hell of a long time. I hate the fact that she cheated but can you blame the girl? It wasn't like Derek was an all that great husband and they were all just too stupid to do something about it before it blew up in their faces.

I don't know if it's all the fanfics I've read or maybe it's because I'm not emotionally invested enough but even if she cheated on him, I feel as though it's not that big of a deal and that it could be gotten over but with not that half hearted effort (sometimes not even that much) Derek tried to do to save their marriage. Maybe I would feel different if I had been cheated on. Maybe I'm just not as romantic or wide-eyed innocent that believes affairs matter all that much. I mean they do, but there's always a reason and maybe that reason explains some things.

Oh whatever. At least I still have my Addek fics. *holds on tight* I'm so scared that what I'm going to be seeing this week and the next week or two will rock my whole Addek world and make me feel like I can't play in this fandom anymore. But I've only been in it for like three days! I don't want it to end yet! So I'm going to try my best to read as much Addek fic as I can in the next couple of days. Tomorrow is supposed to snow and I'm going to enjoy tomorrow's snowfall while in bed reading Addek. ^^ Sounds like a good day to me.

God, I can't wait until it's Thursday.

edit x1: I just remembered that Derek wanted to have babies with Meredith. *head hits desk* I think I'm going to be a little sick. And I know Shonda wants it. I can feel that she wants this to happen. And I know it's one thing I really, really don't want to happen. I don't want Merder to triumph in face of adversity. I don't want to see them come back on top after this curveball of Addison coming back to SGH. I really don't want to see it. And yet, I think it's what's going to happen. And I still want it to be Thursday because I want to see how they interact with each other so badly that I wish I had put off watching PP until this week so it wouldn't have gotten me so riled up now. But then I would have lost the last few days of reading Addek fics... :\ Ugh...

Author's Notes

A/N's...I don't like them. I mean sometimes you get good information but I don't pay attention to them if I can help it so even if they, on the rare occasion that they said something useful, I would probably miss it anyway. But sometimes I don't. Because sometimes your eyes go over words and you can't help but have it seep into your brain. And I really wish I could stop sometimes.

Because the fact is, I'm there to read a story, not a little blurb about some author writing the story. Or of them making apologies about taking so long or of their process, and I generally don't care. That sounds a bit mean but that's the truth. Sometimes I like to know a little about an author's private life and sometimes I'm resigned but okay with it. I add authors to my flist, it happens, not often, but it happens, and sometimes I think it's that little act that just basically says, "Yes, I kinda care about you outside of the stories you write," so you try and pay attention to the little things in an attempt to be come better LJfriends.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is author's notes get frighteningly personal at times. Or ridiculous and silly. I generally don't want to lose respect for an author I've decided to read a story from before I actually read the story. That's why I think people need to spell check their summaries and titles because typos in those make me think they don't care about their story enough to care about the presentation. That's the cover and if they screwed it up, they're much more likely to have the same happen inside the story. I don't really care about their inner monologue about how the chapter came to be or long winded excuses on why they haven't updated that included a multitude of reasons they weren't online for the last month, I care about the story because in the end, that's the only thing that matters.

But when I do see something like that, I really wish I hadn't. I can't stop and obsess (sometimes even marvel) at how strange an author is. Or how not together they are. It's like in life because those little things can really say a lot about how a person is. And even if they're slobs, or have let it slip that they like certain things that are not the norm, or just can't shut up, that all reflects on them as a person. I wish that weren't so at times but we make judgments every single day. Every single thing counts and while I hate that we're those people, hell, the fact that I'm that person, that doesn't get rid of the fact that it happens. If I lose respect for an author, I'm much less tempted to read anything else they write on principle. It doesn't matter how good they may be because at the end of the day, it's all about choices we make about how we want to be perceived ourselves. How good would it look if I disagreed with something an author's thought and yet, decided to support them at the same time? We are all hypocrites but when we're aware of a single instance that we're hypocritical about, shouldn't we try to not be that person?

So I like to play blind, deny and ignore. If I don't see it, it doesn't exist. If I don't think an author is a wacko or is a bad human being, I'm still able to enjoy their stories. That's all I really want to do and believe me, I don't want to think badly of an author in the first place. Why open yourself up to have negative thoughts? It'll just poison you in the end and I'm all about trying not to drown yourself in negativity. If I never have to see it, I don't have to judge. I'm okay with that and it works for me. So I continue to avoid the horrible author's note that might contain horrible little land mines that can explode as soon as your eyes run across them. But sometimes, you just can't help reading them anyway. And then you remember why you avoid reading things like that and you end up writing little LJ entries about it. I have a feeling that should I come back to this in the years to come, I'll think, "Yes, that's it exactly, I really don't like author's notes and that's why." And for some reason, that makes me just a little happy right now.