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OTL

 

For a few hours it was looking so good... And then I started to install programs and on a restart after some installations, I am now getting stuck on the Welcome screen... It just spins and spins...and spins...

 

I am getting so tired of all of this...

 

And all I want to do today is watch Grimm! Ugh, I should have taken advantage of it all being good while I still could...

 

I suspect tomorrow will be yet another round of this crap... Fuck it, factory settings might be easier. I'm starting to become completely unglued by this so I think I'm just going to sleep and deal with it tomorrow...

I really need to learn from my mistakes... Ever since I updated to Windows 8.1, I've had nothing but problems. Updating it was a trial unto itself and I'm absolutely certain my laptop got messed up somewhere while I was trying to update it

 

And ever since then, even though it says I've updated it successfully, I've had little annoying problems like my graphics cutting out every so often... I could deal with the little bugs but then it started messing with my Updates... Every time I would try to Update, I would fall into this horrible loop of my laptop trying to update bit not quite getting there... I would install them, it would restart and that's when the problems would start. It gets stuck at the whole "Preparing your PC. Do not turn off." but it would never finish. Last time it was a huge ordeal for me to just get out of it and back into Windows but did I learn my lesson?

 

Of course not, I'm an idiot.

 

And now everything I do, I can't seem to start Windows again... System Restore fails. There are no start up problems despite all evidence to the contrary.

 

Thankfully, the one lesson I did take from my last horrible foray into trying to update is the fact that I should backup my data so at least I have that.

 

Now I've resorted to Refreshing my PC, which I've taken to mean everything gets reset to the beginning but you still get to keep your files. Hey, if it works, I'll take it... I'll gladly reinstall my programs (although some of them will be a bitch) if it means I can get back functionality of my laptop and I can keep my files...

 

My fingers are crossed. I've spent an entire night on this so I'm exhausted with very little sleep so hopefully when I'm done, it's one less thing I have to worry about during the day... It's already gonna be stressful enough without this this also looming over my head...

First post of the new year, and only four hours in.

It's 2014, which if I believed in Chinese numerology, it's doomed to be a cursed year since it's year 14 (otherwise known as certain death). Yay. It's a good thing I don't believe in that crap. But even though I don't, I got to admit, getting married on 1-3-14 would be pretty romantic (roughly translated, life together, death together). I imagine there are a fair amount of Chinese people getting married in a few days...

Anyway, enough talk about the new year... That sort of stuff always makes me a bit depressed, the way birthdays do, since they mark the passage of time and the inevitability of me getting old and closer to the end... Yeah, not a road I particularly want to go venturing through tonight. :\

( Slight TMI but only just... )

I just set up my Mother's new iPhone... And it took me hours to get everything the way I know my Mother needs it. And then it took some more time teaching my Mother and my Father how to use it... I'm still not quite sure they understand it all since I'm not sure I understand it all but I'm a big believer of learning how to use electronic devices by playing around with them (while at the same time perusing the manual, unlike men who don't believe in manuals at all...) so hopefully they'll eventually figure it out for themselves...

 

I mean, the thing is in actual Chinese... Siri actually understands Cantonese (!!!) so I'm hoping it would help them along as well...

 

And at least I didn't have to set up as many apps as I did for my own phone... That actually took me forever trying to get my contacts the way I want them, setting up all my different social apps... All I had to do for my Mom is get her email and WeChat set up so it was relatively easy... I did the best I could since the only reference I had was the iPad... I've only ever used Android devices so it's a little different...

 

Still, it's hard to think of my Mother as having the best phone in the family... o.O All this so they can FaceTime with international friends and family... :\

When I saw how late Thanksgiving was this year, I thought, hey, I might not have to worry about in regards to NaNoWriMo! In past years, I've always spent Thanksgiving weekend not writing a damn thing. In fact, in my three years previous, I think I've written maybe 800 words (if that) total during those 12 days, which is pretty sad... But generally typical. Thanksgiving is usually spent away from home at some relative's house. We do dim sum for lunch and then hot pot for dinner. And then we do Black Friday. That takes up Thursday and Friday and then the weekend is spent playing board games interspersed with video games. It's a fun time, and most of all, it's a very family time for us. And when you're with family that you haven't seen for months or weeks, or however long it's been, it's hard to sneak off for a few hours to write. So no writing is done during that time period.

Now, if the pattern holds, that means the last three days of November will be spent not working on NaNoWriMo. By my calculation, that means I'm gonna have to have about 5000 words banked up so I can get to 50,000 words. Incidentally, I have just over 5000 words over the word count that I should be at, which is a good thing. That means I have about three days worth of writing saved up. But that also means I have to make quota every single day leading up to Thanksgiving. And I already know the Wednesday before Thanksgiving will be rough since people come home that night generally. Not only that, but I'm EXHAUSTED.

I desperately want to quit and take a nap every single day. I want a day off but that's not possible. I find myself squirreling away to Starbucks for a few hours every week just so I can get more than 2000 words. It's been rough... And yesterday, I went to a write-in, wrote a fair amount, and now I'm even more exhausted because of it. But I still have to somehow get 1667 words today and tomorrow, and the next day, etc. OTL

NaNoWriMo is going to kill me.

Today is day 12, I've only written about 150 words thus far. It's been a pretty bad day... I figure I have about two and half hours of writing left. If I don't procrastinate, I should be able to get to quota. But can I not procrastinate? Especially since I'm exhausted and just want to take a nap? I have no idea...

NaNoWriMo Day 1... I wonder if they were always such slow starts? Because I just spent the last four hours not really writing and just sitting here procrastinating... It does not bode well... And what I have written, it's not very good. It's a very slow start. I'm already mildly worried because if I'm already feeling this lost on the first day, the next 29 are not going to be fun...

In any case, I've only done half of what I wanted to do tonight before I turn in so I'm already running a bit behind. :\



My goal, as always, is to make it to green and make the quota for the day, 1667 words. You'ld think it wouldn't be that hard but as I've found out in the past, it's not easy and it does take time to even write that much. Hopefully I can find the time sometime to actually do that. *sigh*

I sorta feel like I've been avoiding LJ.

Actually, I know I've been avoiding LJ.

( And this is why... )

I took off the band-aid again... Thankfully, this time it had stopped bleeding. The only downside is the fact that without all the blood obscuring the wound, it looks horrific. I mean, wow, I really sliced off all the layers of skin off! It's seriously a chunk of flesh missing from my finger... Looking at it made me a bit queasy so I tried avoiding it as much as I could. In the end, I washed the wound out (didn't hurt as much this time since I think my finger was a bit numb, and then I finally got a chance to use the triple antibiotic ointment...

When I bought it back when I accidentally cut into my hand all those months ago, I never thought I would be using it so much... And actually, since I managed to cut off all the skin off as opposed to cut most of the skin off with it still hanging on like last time, I think this is a much worse wound... It looks to be as deep and it's certainly a lot harder to look at... I actually wondered if I should be putting ointment on it since it wasn't going around something that would scar...instead, it's like a crater in my finger... In the end, I just slathered it on and bandaged it back up. I'm hoping for the best.

And as if my day couldn't have gotten worse, it got worse.

My grandmother, whom I look after for most the day, has pretty bad dementia. We think she's in the late stages of it and for the last month or so, caring for has gotten a lot harder, a lot more trying, and she's gotten a lot worse. For the last week or so, she's been doing better. We've taken to pureeing her food now since she doesn't seem to be able to swallow whole foods anymore. And she's stopped eating by herself so we feed her by hand. About a month back, she had a bought with gastroenteritis (stomach flu) which landed her in the hospital for about three days. If you've never dealt with the stomach flu with a person who has severe dementia, hope never to because it's gross, very, very, VERY gross. Before that, her health had been pretty bad and she seemed completely miserable and sick but she seemed to perk up after her hospital stay.

That being said, when we took her to the ER that day when she developed diarrhea, the first doctor that we saw was very ominous -- start making phone calls to family, prepare yourself for the worst, this might it so decide what you want to do, ect., and that freaked us out like crazy. It seemed like she was knocking on death's door. And I realize, she's 91, any sort of illness is pretty serious, but it didn't seem as dire as the first guy made it out to be. The second doctor was much more optimistic and it seemed like he was the one that was ultimately right. But for a few hours there, I thought she was going to die.

But she got better, she was discharged and she seemed to be okay, back to her "normal" self. And then she started losing weight like crazy... She was a skeleton, just skin and bones and I never realized how literal that phrase could be until I saw her. That's when we decided we need to step up her food intake. Before, we've been doing what the doctor's said -- let her eat what she wants when she wants and don't worry too much about her lack of appetite because that's how the disease is. Screw that, they weren't the ones watching her waste away and starve to death. That's when we started pureeing our food. She's been getting much more protein and veggies, and she seemed like she was finally putting on a little weight. And we've been making her milkshakes and smoothies with fresh fruit, Ensure, ice cream and protein powder to supplement her normal meals even more. It seemed to be working.

Today however, I don't know if it was the juice she drank, or the milk, or even the pureed food, but it seemed like she aspirated some of it and she seemed to be having trouble breathing. It sounded very labored. And then she started to shake and she was very unsteady on her feet, so I got concerned. I'm with her for most of the day, I know what's "normal" for her and that didn't seem to be it.

When my grandmother was discharged, we were referred to hospice because of the limited options the hospital could do for her so I ended up calling them up. They advised getting an appointment with her doctor so that's what we're going to do. And they told us we could take her into the ER again if she seemed to be very uncomfortable and if she couldn't breathe... :\ In the end, after a couple of hours, and after we fed her a milkshake, she seemed to be a lot better. She's more alert, her breathing doesn't seem to be as bad so maybe it isn't something too serious. Either way, we're going to try and get her in to see her doctor and we'll see how she is tomorrow. And part of what might have alleviated some of her pain is the fact that she finally pooped today. She's been constipated for about a week now so we think that might have been making her feel uncomfortable but she couldn't communicate it to us at all. She has severe aphasia so when she does speak, it's all gibberish but nowadays, she doesn't speak as much as she used to...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, for my finger and especially for my grandmother... Somehow, I never imagined having to deal with this sort of stuff as an adult when I was a kid and now, I'm faced with the reality that I might have to go through it all over again with my own parents, and then myself when I get old... It's definitely a scary prospect.

Last night I dreamed I was dating Tony Stark.

Yeah, I've been reading way too many Tony/Bruce stories.

And the weird thing was that I wasn't Bruce. Usually, I'm not in my dreams and I take one POV of a character or I see everything and it's sorta awesome. But this time, I was me. And I was dating Tony. It was oddly domestic so I guess we were living together and we did dishes together, although, I distinctly remember going to do the dishes and thinking there's no way Tony would help me with them because he was probably used to having someone else do them. I wasn't even sure he could do dishes but somehow, he came and helped me with them...

Anyway, outside of us doing dishes, I remember being horribly intimidated by him. But if that were so, why would we be dating? But during the entire dream, I was always thinking that I wasn't smart enough for him... I know my intelligence level, and I know his, and I couldn't see how we could work out. God, is that what it would feel like to date a genius? It's an awful feeling... I can't imagine dating someone whose so much smarter than I am... I think it would make me feel subconscious all the time and why would you want that sort of stress on top of dating? :\

Still, for a little while there, it was kinda cool having Tony Stark's attention all on me, even if it was just a dream. I never thought I would be the type to be swayed by that sort of thing (genius, yeah, but money, not so much) but I guess I could be...

(I'm also completely ignoring the fact that he's old enough to be my father. That stuff just squicks me most of the time...)

I was listening to music today while working and the songs from The Break Up came on.

It was the first time I've heard any Glee music since Cory's passing and it just hit me so hard. I've been shocked and numb since I heard about it but I hadn't really felt that overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. But listening to those songs, hearing his voice and knowing he'll never sing another song for Glee just opened the floodgates and I found myself crying for the first time. God, he was just so young... He's only four years older than me... And of course all the songs in The Break Up are sad as hell which just made it all worse...

I just really wish Cory wasn't dead. It's such a tragedy and I wish there was some way it could not be true. But I know it is and that it can't be, so now all I am is just really sad. I can only imagine how his friends and family feel if this is what I feel as a fan of his...